15 April, 2011

I think maybe..

I need a new Therapist.
Dr. J tried suggesting that I go down to every other week, because she wasn't sure talk therapy is what I need, and more that I need the DBT.
Wait what?! I've only been seeing her since sometime in December and she wants to boot me down? :( I wasn't ready, I panicked of course I'm not ready! There are so many things to talk about!!

We decided instead that I'd work on the DBT both at home, and in office, because.. really.. it's scary to do this all alone. I don't have a group I can go to like I've seen that there is... I have to do it solo on top of school, kids school, housework, kids, and dealing with the EX.. It's.. a lot to take. Some days, it's too much to take. Everything all at once and I just feel overwhelmed.

I heard back from the disability office, they want me to go to this doctor to have my mental health status check. I feel sick to my stomach in nervousness. I hate going to new places, meeting new people, I am going to have to take anxiety meds and hope that I'm not a zoned out mess just to handle it. I have no idea, I feel panic rising and tears too just thinking about it. Blarh. :(

I still miss my BF. School is going okay, mostly because my new class is easy as eating cookies (okay, maybe not THAT easy) and because I decided to stick with 1/2 time yet another quarter. Summer though, it's back to 3/4 time just to try and get a little further ahead. It's... crummy that it's going to take me so long to finally get my degree. I'll be over 30 when I'm done and that just, to me, feels like I wasted so much of my life. :(

I'm so glad it's the weekend.
I get to do some Easter shopping sometime tomorrow. I can't wait to see their faces when they see what is going to be in their Easter baskets!  I don't even know what all I'm doing, but I think this year... finally, I will let them dye Easter eggs.. No.. they've never done it with me before. I'm not sure why, I  used to do it myself.. but then I...well.. I don't know. Fell away from myself? I'm not sure what it is.

Maybe it's just that I am so tired, and worn out from the world. From so many things. Crafts aren't fun anymore, TV is hardly pleasurable, everything seems like I am  just wading through mucky waters just for each day to end and praying that the morning doesn't come as soon as it seems to..

Yet it always does.

I think maybe I need to up my dose of Cymbalta....? I'll have to talk to R about that.

I was going to write yesterday, but I actually managed to go to bed at around 11:40pm.
Wow, that's amazingly EARLY for me. Yes.. damn near midnight is EARLY for me. >.>

EX keeps trying to engage me in fights, it's  hard to avoid old habits where we'd fight and then have amazing make up sex. Except for NOW it's just fights, awkwardness and acting like it didn't happen somehow. Ugh...

Somehow... I have to attempt to beat my internet addiction, and my desire to attempt to starve myself so that I am skinny. I'm teetering. I had many days where I was at 1000 calories only, or even less than that. It's not a good thing, I know it's stupid, but I am so tired of looking in the mirror and seeing this nasty old cow that I feel like I've been for many many years.

I bought some arm firming cream from Avon, has rave reviews, says it helps firm up skin..

So you know where I am gonna use it? On my poor stomach! Which has stretch marks and fudged up skin like you would NOT believe from having my oldest at such a young age. It's... pretty nasty. I lost 50+lbs and it just is hangy a bit and really gross. I would love to be able to afford a tummy tuck. Vain? Maybe a little bit, but I hate having it hanging there. I don't want a boob job (okay, maybe I would like them lifted..) I don't want a nose job (even though it has this odd bump in it), I just want that hangy, unattractive, overly stretched and stretch-marked stomach made into something that I... don't loathe every time I see it, touch it, feel it when I roll over. See it when I go bathroom, wrinkle my nose at when I shower.

I don't care that EX likes my belly all soft, it'd still be soft! It just wouldn't have that yucky flap... nasty.. ugh..

I am positively full of self loathing.

I am considering chopping off my hair.
I want the money to go ahead and pierce the tops of my ears, and get more hair dye.
Maybe I should do it, sometime soon.


Wish me luck for Easter Shopping. I'll be going shopping Solo which is better in some ways and worse in some ways than going with the kids.. I'm trying not to judge myself on all the awkwardly strange little quirks that come with my various disordered, but it's REALLY hard not to do that when so many other people have.. :(

I need BF here, I want BF here...
Some sort of balance to all the chaos in life and within my head..


1 comment:

  1. I struggle with the eating too. For twon months after New Year I ate restricted my eating to a very unhealthy one yogurt a day and lost 17 pounds in that very short time.
    Now, with all the stress I've been under I have been binging terribly. And then I blame myself and feel like such a failure.
    Your not alone in feeling awful about your body. I think all women feel this way. Especially women with mental illness and eating issues.
    Hope a hug will help ((hug))