09 April, 2011


I'm meh again.
I have homework due today, and I don't really give too much of a crap about it. I'll be 100% honest.
I could have done it yesterday, but instead I took the kids outside to ride bikes because we finally had beautiful weather again. It went well, even though I absolutely hate going outside..

I hate being in public.
Funny, I used to want to be famous.
Now I'm too afraid of the world out there.
It's too much.

I started writing an entry the other day, wrote a couple of lines, and that was it. I didn't get any further. I just couldn't do it.

I'll do my homework soon. It's nothing overly hard or anything, I'm just not feeling it. :(

The EX started his attitude and stuff again. I ended up watching a movie on the couch with him and the oldest two. He HAS to do it every other Friday night otherwise he's a giant douche and it  just is not worth the drama. So I came out half way through the movie because I was bored and it was a movie that actually interested me. I'm not much of a movie person, so that's saying something.

At the end he asked me what was up and why I "stole" snuggles from the oldest. Of course, it's midnight at this point and the oldest doesn't really take shit like I do. She said things she didn't mean, and was grumpy.. Mainly that she just snuggles with him because he 'makes her' and he was all pissy about it. Yeah... because he never says things he doesn't mean?
Anyway, she didn't want to talk about it anymore last night. So this morning I asked her if she really felt that way and she said no, she was just tired, grouchy and he made her mad saying that to me.

She's tired of him treating me badly too. Great, my 10 year old can stand up for me better when it comes to that jerk than I can. :( I'm too much of a wuss and I can't stand having him get the way he does towards me. >.< I hate that he'll hate me completely one moment, and then the next it's like nothing ever happened. >.< Often without an apology.



Yesterday morning, right after dropping the oldest two off at school I went up to Wal*Mart. Got some groceries we needed because we were out of a lot of things. Anyway, got back out to my van and... fsk.. it wont turn on?! WHY?! I thought oh no don't tell me that new alternator is gonna be a bitch?! Of course, then I realized it. I'd turned on my lights (out of habit for safety..) and.. HAD NOT turned them on. After being in Wal*Mart for awhile (about an hour), the battery was drained. Thankfully, the EX was nearby, unfortunately he didn't have jumper cables in his work truck. So I went inside and now I finally own my own set of jumper cables.. yay.

Anyway... nothing majorly dramatic there. Though of course he was kinda snappy with me.
Of course HE's NEVER drained a battery before.. Right? RIGHT? Hah, not even. He's done it many times since I've known him. So, he really should keep the n00b comments to himself. I haven't even been driving a full 2 years yet. I've only had my license a little over a year and 3 months even. Bla bla bla.

Then he wanted to have the kids try this one places pizza, so we went. It was good pizza.. but.. anchovies on pizza? Anchovies in general? Oh my goodness the texture was the most disgusting thing ever!

I will never do it again, never. I'm nearly gagging just at the thought. Ewww...

I didn't go to therapy on Wednesday. See from last Friday up until Wednesday the EX was basically ignoring me. Which means that he's pissed off about something. So I didn't think I had a sitter, so I canceled therapy.

He doesn't see how I can think that someone ignoring me for 6 days could mean that I can't count on them to come over and watch the kids while I do therapy. More so when he's technically only father to one, and it's harder than heck to get them to watch them anyway.

So of course, he starts a fight. Which lasted three hours. Then he takes the kids out for dinner and I was all upset and just feeling absolutely awful. He knows exactly what to say to make me feel like pond scum...

BF stayed home from work so we could talk and he ordered me Pizza for dinner. Which was sweeter than hell. I felt better having him there since I was just... so so low. :( Bah, it's really annoying.

I'm tired.
Constantly tired.
Just drained so much.

I want coffee again.
Starbucks messed up my coffee last night. :( I was sad and disappointed, but I drank it anyway. I wanted cocoa powder, vanilla powder, and nutmeg powder. On top of my whipped cream and chocolate drizzle. Well, they just put LOTS of nutmeg powder. It made it taste like someone had messed up a pumpkin pie. Not what I wanted to spend $4+ on!


I never did fully read a chapter for therapy anyway. Oops.
-_-;; I have no idea what's wrong with me.
I'm not sure to WHAT extent anti-depressants are supposed to help you. I've never been on one that has worked yet. So I don't even know what I am supposed to be looking for and feeling.
What IS normal feeling?! What is happiness that lasts for more than few fleeting moments?!

I need to know what point B is... I know what point A is.. I just have no idea what I am supposed to be reaching for. I've been so fucked up for so long, I don't even know. I've spent more of my life like this than I ever spent NOT like this!




  1. It sounds like you have a lot on your hands at the moment and some awful feelings and having to deal with the EX. Having not been in your situation, I am not going to say I know how you feel, but I can imagine that it wouldn't be nice. I just wanted to say hang in there and I'm thinking of you :)

  2. It's weird, I used to want to be famous too. Now I can barely maintain my basic relationships let alone face the public haha. I'm new to your blog, but happy to be here. Making new online friends in the "madosphere" is awesome xx