25 April, 2011

Why does -

my period make me miserable?

I'm so jealous, a friend of mine just started taking Zoloft and reported that she "feels like a real person again!" and is "enjoying this parenting thing like I haven't in years!"

and I'm jealous!
I STILL don't feel like that! I get little moments, but I still don't feel like a "real person again" nor do I have that "I enjoy this parenting thing again".
I mean I did, at one point, really enjoy being a parent.. really really enjoy it.

Then I started getting even further and further downhill. I think really, it was after the first time CPS came to my door on false reports (seriously, the stuff that was said would make you sick to hear about yourself. Even though I hadn't done it! I wanted to die), then I've just been paranoid and miserable and being a parent is one of the scariest things in the world because you should never do it when you have what I have and all this crap and it's just this one big scary thing after another and nothing you do is good enough for anyone and everyone will hate your mistakes and every mistake is judged under this microscope and I feel like I fuck up no matter what I do.

I am really honestly considering yet again just telling the kids that I do not feel I am the best for them, that their dad's would do a better job, go on to having visitation every weekend or something and just.... you know.. just... I don't know.

Dr. L said that some of BPD can be "learned behaviors" which means I have a possibility of the kids being like this and I DON'T want that..
I don't know what to do but I don't feel like I deserve to be their mother nor should I be and I just cannot handle things well enough to do this on my own so much. I am drowning and I absolutely do not know what to do and I am terrified of the Disability "Mental Status Review" appointment on Weds at 3 and I am just.. I feel sick, I feel tired, I'm scared, lost, lonely, hurting, agitated, I just don't feel well even yet. Though I don't feel as awful as I did before the Cymbalta, I don't feel "real person"ish and I don't feel joy just yet..

Though I DID manage to take the kids to a public Easter egg hunt thing and I handled it okay. They had a blast, and did well with it and I didn't panic too much and didn't even need an anxiety med. I was dumb this morning and forgot to take my Cymbalta and I started feeling just awful when I was at the store and then I realized it and was all "oh man..." I was getting dizzy and light headed and wow.. just not a happy feeling in the slightest!

Oh a positive note, BF is discharged from the hospital and he's getting ready to head back to his apt..
Finally!! Now.. if he'd just be able to move here!


1 comment:

  1. I'm really sorry you are having such a rough time. I hope your appointment goes well on wednesday. I have an interview on wednesday as well at 1pm for a job. I guess we both will be a little anxious, though your review sounds much more scary than my interview. Good luck with that. Be gentle with yourself.