Oh Laziness

Today got to be one of those days.
It was only the youngest and I today, and I had let her stay up late last night so she'd sleep in today. She didn't wake me up for 40 minutes after she woke up, saying she woke up at 11:30 (one one three zero is what she said.) Even from there, she woke me up because she wanted to know how to defrost her breakfast sandwich in the microwave. Of course, she didn't want me to do it at all. So, I told her what to look for and she did her breakfast.

I slept on the couch.

My crab is the perfect pet for me, plus some positivity.

1. It requires absolutely no dealing with poop. Just dirty water when the water needs changed, which is not that often and does not stink up the house.
2. It does not destroy ANYTHING of mine.
3. It does not make loud noises and keep me up at night.
4. It is not demanding
5. It does not fight anyone. 
6. It does not cause pain
7. It's improving condition since buying it proves that I can care for something fairly well.
8. It's there, in that spot, no matter what. I can walk there, and it's there! In it's little tank, just living it's little life.

Isn't that just perfect? It doesn't stick it's butthole in my face. It doesn't ruin my couch. The first couch I ever bought myself. Like EX's dumb cat has, ugh, my poor couch! It doesn't make noises at night. It doesn't attack the kids. It doesn't poop and stink up the house. It requires very very little maintenance, and watching it grow and thrive brings me happiness as I talk to it in that little baby voice. "Ohhh who's my sweet little crabby-one?" 

Remembrance of an innocence lost.

When Dr. L and I first met, she did this little thing on her white board to figure out where things started to fall apart in my life. We dug deep back, how far back could I remember?

3ish. I remember being 3. I remember the night my little brother was born. I remember some night, possibly nights before that. I remember boys about 10ish - 12ish staying at our house, and I remember the way they'd touch me, and they way they'd kiss me. Not things little boys are supposed to do to little girls, right? Yes, at 3 and 4 years old I can remember 'French Kissing' and being touched 'down below.' But I didn't tell my parents, I'm not sure why, I can't remember if I was told not to or not.. I just remembered not doing it..

Yesterday

Was completely exhausting, I didn't even write about it because I just didn't want to have to dredge it all back up into view. My sleep isn't so great lately, and I'm getting the cold the kids were suffering and so I'm not doing so well. I'm light headed and dizzy on top of it all, which I think is from the massive amounts of sinus pressure I am suffering through right this moment.

I got my "mid term" grades for class. 100% baby, Awww yeah! This class is, really easy, I like that though, because I'm stressing how I am going to afford the massive tab of the art supplies I need for my next class when it starts in two weeks. *gagging* Artist Markers are expensive, sure it's likely I should have had them before now or something, an art desk too, but the fact of the matter is that I didn't/don't so I have to hurry up and figure out what on earth I am going to do for it now. Nothing in my etsy shop sells very fast, because I don't really have a ton up there at any given time so I am not one of the better known sellers there. I'm starting to consider just selling my DSi or something just to make up at least some of the cost. I know I don't use it enough to justify having it.. but.. *sigh* you know.. That's lame of me to admit.

Positivity and that's all

Three things that went well today:

-I got most of my homework for tomorrow done. How awesome am I?

-The EX got me coffee, the way I like it, it was delicious. Oh yum!

-My second daughter cleaned off all three bathroom counter tops, well by that I mean used a knock off clorox whip on the uncluttered areas and got any gunk off. They were sorely in need of doing it. Still, it was awesome and sweet that she wanted to do so.

It was hard thinking of these for today too...

-Shattered

Positivity - 3 things that went right today.

So, after drinking a "flavored malt beverage" which is only 3.2% alc. by volune btw.. at 11.2fl.. I don't even know what all that shit means. But I know it's hardly much in the way of alcohol goes. I decided to see what it says on the internet about Alcohol and Cymbalta.

Hmm, says not to drink. Oops. Well, one can't kill me right?
So anyway, I was at a depression forum that had the conversation on not drinking while on anti-depressants (okay, so I finished off that 4 pack quicker than usual,  but still 1 a week isn't going to kill me.. Right?).. So there was this thread (wow I am typing horribly right now, forgive me, I've never held my alcohol well!), and it was about positivity and three things that went well today.

Why does -

my period make me miserable?

I'm so jealous, a friend of mine just started taking Zoloft and reported that she "feels like a real person again!" and is "enjoying this parenting thing like I haven't in years!"

and I'm jealous!
I STILL don't feel like that! I get little moments, but I still don't feel like a "real person again" nor do I have that "I enjoy this parenting thing again".
I mean I did, at one point, really enjoy being a parent.. really really enjoy it.

Still waiting..

For my poor BF to get out of the hospital. It's 3:30 in the afternoon there and the doctor hasn't seen him yet. I'm going to guess Australian public hospitals just suck and are slow and that's why it's taking so long. :( Really, can you guys release him yet?

I want things back to as normal as possible. I'm not holding up well, he's going stir crazy, his room mate is a moaning, groaning, bitching, nurse harassing idiot..

I'm so absolutely fed up!

Hospitalized...

BF had to return to the hospital last night, while it was feeling better (his leg..) the redness actually had spread. He couldn't even put a sock on it hurt so much after they checked him at the hospital. Just standing there to check into be seen was agony on him..


So they admitted him for at least two days, :( He's going to be in the hospital on Easter. :( Sure he wasn't going to be here, in person, but he doesn't even get to be home on a Holiday... though neither of us are particularly religious or anything. The idea sucks to me.

ohh spring weather!

Is dreadful.
Snow, Hail, Rain, Sun, Hail, Rain, Rain, Snow.

Last I looked outside, it was snowing and sticking. YES snowing and sticking on April 21st. What's with that? *sigh* It's awful.
My mood has been unstable too, it hates the weather too..

A new therapist

Today I got to see the new Therapist, Dr. L.
Right away she was far nicer and more personable than Dr. J was.

We dug into my past as she wanted to see when things started falling apart. So we dug  into things that happened as far back as I can remember, and pinpointed certain moments in time.
Basically, we have to help the trapped little 4 year old inner child of mine, to move past things and gain a wise mind now.
Interesting..

Meds... and changing therapists.

I found a center that costs less per session, and has someone who actually deals with those who have Borderline Personality Disorder!

I called and am waiting for a call back, but they're $15 less a session and.. hey, $15 per is $15 per! Considering the place I go to right now is just.. too much, and I am not really feeling good with Dr. J. at all.. I dunno, she just, can be very abrasive and she says there is no judgment, but I swear there's judgment with the way she talks fairly often.
Hopefully it goes well, and I hear something back soon.

Those voices/feelings.

Drive into the wall....
Drive into the divider...
Swerve into the Semi-truck....


NO don't!! STOP IT!
STOP IT! You don't want to do that! Don't do it!

Easter Shopping.

Can be totally overwhelming!
But I enjoyed it none the less! I actually got an hour and a half in Wal*Mart all alone. I went a TOUCH overboard and the kids will be a TOUCH spoilt! But it's a holiday, and it's fun to do so!
_____
Hey, did you know it's the 16th? In a month and three days my baby... as in my littlest baby will be 5! AHHH!! How's that happen?! I've got two birthdays coming up after this holiday. @_@ Shooooot!

I think maybe..

I need a new Therapist.
Dr. J tried suggesting that I go down to every other week, because she wasn't sure talk therapy is what I need, and more that I need the DBT.
Wait what?! I've only been seeing her since sometime in December and she wants to boot me down? :( I wasn't ready, I panicked of course I'm not ready! There are so many things to talk about!!

Low down...

It's one of those days again.
I thought I was feeling better. I'm less weepy than normal, that's for sure. I'm just tired and miserable.
My sleep is absolutely awful, I wonder if that's a large part to do with it?
I really just want a day off from everything and every body.

Just a day where I have no kids to watch after, no homework to do, no housework to do. Just myself and whatever I want. A day of peace, a day of rest, a break like Dr. J wants me to take.. :(

That's... really not likely to happen.

Stumbles.

I'm meh again.
I have homework due today, and I don't really give too much of a crap about it. I'll be 100% honest.
I could have done it yesterday, but instead I took the kids outside to ride bikes because we finally had beautiful weather again. It went well, even though I absolutely hate going outside..

I hate being in public.
Funny, I used to want to be famous.
Now I'm too afraid of the world out there.
It's too much.

Unhappy in frustration.

I don't... ever really know what is real or not. At least not when it comes to other people, and what I should feel or expect from them.

I live in a scary little place in my head. In the world. Just scary.
There is a lot I don't understand and a lot I am uncomfortable with.

((this is the entry I started.. but never posted until now... ))

People can be such pigs!

After taking my son to school this afternoon, the youngest and I swung up to the Dollar Tree.

Seriously, do people just go to store and be pigs? There was random stuff all over the place. Stuff where it shouldn't have been, and seriously I think people just let their kids pick up toys and throw them on the ground on the opposite end of the store.
You know what that means.. right?

What doesn't kill you...

"Makes you stronger."
Or so they say.

I'm starting to think that's a load of crap personally.
I don't know what's wrong with me, but I am not doing good at all. At all at all at all. I just have no energy, I have a headache. It was 3AM when I finally managed to get to sleep! 3! and I had to be up at 7:30! Of course... I just sort of lay around while the kids got ready and then got them to school, checked school after getting home, then crashed/vegged on the couch while the youngest two played video games/watched cartoons in here.

emotionally stunted

My emotions are stuck on 'nothing' right now. I want to feel things, but I'm in that place where I don't feel much other than agitation and the desire to do nothing much at all.
Still, my suicidal thoughts aren't there, which means that Cymbalta is helpful at least in it's own way. I will give it that 12 week or so minimum to see if it gets me out of this funk.

Spring break was boring, blessedly the kids let me sleep in until about 11AM every day. They woke up, played, got their own breakfasts, and played some more. They realized I was having a hard time sleeping again, and I appreciate their sweetness.