Yay brownie!

Finally got(made) brownies.
I only had one box of mix, and didn't have a 'proper' pan and I didn't want thin brownies... bleeeeh...

Anyway... before I get into that story.

Got the kids to bed, sat around reading more stuff that made me feel awful about how people look at people who suffer from BPD like I do. Guh "Take your kids and RUN AWAY!"
Seriously?? As if we have no chance to ever be better people with therapy and all that?

Sorry, but I am going to do whatever I can, as hard as it's going to be, to be a better person for myself, for the kids, for BF, for everyone I know as well. I don't want anyone to run away, I want to get better, I realize that I have problems. I see them, I don't like them, I am going to do whatever it takes to fix them no matter how painful that is!

Scared

Feeling better because of the medication makes everything else seem amplified. All the issues that I didn't notice so much because the depression really had me down and unable to really concentrate and really focus on things... just explode you know?

I feel like this disgustingly flawed, bad person, like I didn't realize just how awful I was because my depression masked it and here I am this ...... I don't even know.

I don't even know who that woman in the mirror is anymore! I don't know what she wants! I don't know where she's going! I don't want to be her! Because that's not me, I look at it... at HER and I don't know her.

Not so much.

I feel strange on these meds.
 I know that it's only really been two days and I need more time to really get the full effects of them and all that, but at times I just feel like I need to cry over things and I just can't. Though I can't tell you why I need to cry at random things other than the fact that doing so is just my 'norm'. Ew, god that is disgusting to say. My norm is to cry at random videos on YouTube, commercials that are insanely harmless to everyone but somehow can make me cry for... Hours?!

Cops and guns and holy shht!!

So the Ex got home from work super duper early and wanted me to come with him for errands because he wanted to get a new coat and wanted my opinion on what to get because he "has no fashion sense what so ever" in his words. Aww, flattery? :P Not sure, or maybe he just wanted me to get out of the house or something? Probably both, because he did indeed ask my opinion on every jacket/coat he was looking at. He ended up picking one that looks pretty good.

So okay, I'll go. I hadn't managed lunch yet, for anyone, no one had said they were hungry since everyone had had a rather late breakfast since it was a day off of school today despite being Friday. So he decides we'll go to lunch (I also got caught up doing homework and still had next to no appetite) so cool, we all get ready and we're just about to go when I grab the garbage bag from the trash can to get it outside. Nothing really out of the ordinary right?

Not so sure how I feel right now.

But I'm a bit out of sorts, having difficulty actually stringing words right now and talking or typing clearly.
I keep having to press the backspace to fix extreme typo's! Like a typo demon has permanently attached himself to me today!

I took the meds at 7:30 AM. So, about 3 hours and 26 minutes ago. I've decided I need to take them right when my second alarm goes off on the weekdays. Yes, I set myself three alarms and sometimes then have to set one another time, or snooze or something. Waking up is a process otherwise I just cannot handle doing it in the morning. I hate early morning so hard. Gah!

Not all that good with it...

I'm scared for the morning to come.
I'm scared to have to wake up and take this medication when I let myself read about the side effects and worry what's going to happen to me!

Will I no longer be able to drive? Will my vision go blurry? Will I have a seizure? Will I shake? Will I have worse troubles sleeping?

The weight loss side effect makes me happy! Because I still have 14lbs to go to my first goal, and 24 to my final goal. So if I can get the 'help' with that, it'd be really neat. Somehow I have to remember to take this stuff at the same time every day??

Those three words.

I didn't want to hear them.

BF and I had talked about it, because I had noticed the possibility that could be me.
But we talked about it and decided, no I wasn't "that bad".

I didn't bring it up to the doctor, I didn't even think about it today.
I think my diagnosis of "Bi-polar" would stand, instead she said them. After a talking and looking over my records from previous doctors, counselors, and my current counselor.
She said the three words that stole my breath and punched me in the face.

Today

In a couple of hours, I go in to look into medication.
I had to cancel my counselling appointments with JW.
I cannot find a place for the payment every week to be put into my budget right this second.

Thankfully, it turns out my school offers counselling services 24/7/365. So I will be calling that later on this evening after the kids are in bed and seeing what all that involves and see if it'll help. Hopefully it does, and I don't know if it costs anything or if it's part of tuition that they just offer that service to everyone/anyone? There wasn't exactly a lot of information about it on the website. Still, I guess we shall see right?

Just relentlessly tired

I can't seem to shake this funk lately. I am tired no matter what. No matter how early I go to bed, no matter when I wake up. I have no energy. None at all. No food helps, working out doesn't help as I feel too dizzy to really do much of it before I have to sit down. I feel like I am drowning in some strange fog and I have no idea why.

I know that's probably one of those depression things. Actually,  I'm a good 95% sure it's depression related. I can't believe Wednesday I go in for medication, and of course another session with J.W...
I know she can't cure things that will require medication. I just wish she could. I just wish talking to someone about everything was all I needed.

Struggling.

This week has been an intense struggle for me.
I have absolutely no energy to do anything at all and really would just like a day to spend doing absolutely nothing with absolutely no one wanting me for anything. No cooking, no cleaning, no homework, no work work, no reading chapters for school, no ex's wanting my attention about video games, no kids wanting me every couple of minutes.

I've been thinking about her all day...

... and I don't even know who she is.

She's tiny, maybe 2-3.. dark hair, and big brown eyes. She's shy, and pretty much clings to you and doesn't seem too comfortable around strangers as we walk around.

Yet BF and I pick her up from someplace. We've adopted her and said "sweetheart, from the moment we saw you.. we knew you were ours".

Too tired.

I don't have anything to report feeling wise.
Aside from annoyance that there is snow outside. It's not even that much, but I am annoyed that I see nothing but white and my green grass is hidden. Please, mother nature give me back the rain? Please? I'll do a rain dance or something if that is what it takes. Really I will!

Just for a moment...

Peace and quiet...
Just for a moment right now. No music, no talking, just the sound of the heater blowing the hot air through the house and my fingers flying across the keyboard to write.

Hey you!

Yeah you!
Self!
Stop being lazy already! Do something other than homework, housework, watching the kids play video games and cooking already.

Like, you know, do your feeling time? So you get out of the rut you allowed yourself to fall into?

Obviously not..

I was doing okay. WAS being the key word.
What happened?

Going back to school isn't even THAT stressful because it's part time. But why does the sudden hit of everything starting up again after a break turn me into an unbearably either crying or irritable monster?! On top of the health problems I've been having lately I have another one.

Go Away!!

Stop coming in my room and acting like I care about your video games. I don't. I bought you that one for a present when we were together because I knew you'd like it. Doesn't mean I have any interest in it what so ever.
I don't like many video games.

sonna futari deshita...

That's what we were like...

Well, today wasn't really a total disaster. Aside from T getting home early that is. Though I guess that's not a disaster. More like a disturbance of my peace of mind really.
He'll be moving in a month, or two. He's never sure. He likes to change his mind on that constantly.
Drives me a bit batty it does!!

Sukoshi demo ii kikasete...

Please let me hear, even a little...

That's what the title there means.

I am not sure exactly why I am feeling what I am feeling.

I'm feeling invisible, ignored, unwanted, like no one gives a damn but BF..

I know he gives a damn, and he's the only one that seems to give much of a damn..

Today's appointment(s)

Today, I not only had my appointment with J.W but I had to get a tooth removed as well.
A molar none the less, that was in severe pain and causing me the troubles I talked about earlier.
Well, actually one dentist office told me it was two, and quoted me a price of $4000+ to root canal them and fix them. Or $500 to remove them both.

Lack of updates.

I'm going through some very painful health issues right now.
So I may not be posting much over the next few days...
I'm in a lot of pain and it's  just insanely too difficult to post and focus right now to write..

Hope everyone's having a better 2011 than I am so far. :(

~Shattered

The first day of 2011..

I actually wrote 'of 2010' oops.
I guess I'm still not past it yet!
I've always been like that! By that I mean it takes me a little bit of time to get into the habit of writing a new year.
My goodness!! How did 2010 pass so quickly? Yet not really? I can't believe I've been living in this place for a year. It feels like longer, yet at the same time shorter?