We were 'all over the place' with today's appointment. Which J.W said isn't a bad thing.
I cried, a lot, though actually had some moments where I wasn't all in tears. I left with tears in my eyes and a tissue in hand. I had to brush it aside and let myself just focus on it later.
I didn't do feeling time today, because I figure the hour I spend with her can be considered it completely well enough on it's own you know?
Instead I came home, and got to shovel lots of snow! Ugh...
Mother Nature decided she want to give us 7-12 inches of snow! JOY! NOT ughh...
I was so happy for the rain. I wanted it to stay!
I also shoveled some of the way of the neighbors part of our driveway (we share a big driveway since our duplexes are connected by the garage's only...) once they'd gone, since I figured I didn't want them unable to get in like T wasn't able to get in. Oh, and of course T helped me shovel snow too while the youngest came back in to play the game she'd been playing before they came to get me.
T was kind enough to offer to drive me to my appointment, which was nice, as I didn't want to drive on the slick roads. Not with how my thoughts have been going all suicidal and stupid on me lately. I don't get what my deal is, I'll be fine but then suddenly BOOM! BOW! I'm all like that?
Anyway, that would have been better (getting a ride) if it didn't take him 25 minutes to come get me afterward. When the office was closed, so I spent the time waiting in the cold until I realized I'd be warmer standing in the stairwell. By then of course my shoes were wet and cold. Oh well, I got home safely and in the end I just realized I just need to suck it up and drive myself and let that, just be that. That way I can get there and home on my own terms.
I never realized how freeing being able to drive could be. I haven't even had my license a year yet. Yeah, my anxiety made that one really fun to get over and get around. Well I suppose if I can finally do that, I can do just about anything... right?
Well once we finished I came in and fed the youngest, ate some myself, and then set about completely cleaning off the main large kitchen counter space that's between the kitchen and dining room (so it's extra wide.. and collects a great many things from all six of us here), and half way doing that I went ahead and did a load of dishes too. Then I vacuumed the floor yes that's lazy, but my little vac works so well in the linoleum so I figure it works!
After that I bummed around on the internet a tiny bit before getting bored, I decided to pull out and play with my present from BF. Of course my computer decided to be stupid for some reason and wasn't letting it work correctly?! So I uninstalled it and reinstalled it. Then it worked again. I wonder if I'm to always keep it plugged in? To be honest, I'm the type that puts nice things back away in their original packaging when I'm not using them. Such is the case with my digital video camera, my blue DSi, and my new toy here. I did it for over a year with my sewing machine too..
Speaking of that. I'll be giving that to my oldest. Once the one that BF decided to buy me that is a more modern version of the one I used to use a long time ago! Squee! It makes cute little stitched designs and all that! Like the one I learned to use so long ago! The one my mom eventually handed down to me but the foot pedal/power cable is missing and I have no idea where it's since gone. :( Plus the darn thing is as old as me and just... on it's way out.
Anyway, that's neither here nor there right?
I can't believe he just, bought me one like that. I told him I was considering either 1. Giving the oldest mine and buying myself the same one, 2. buying myself a better one and giving the oldest mine (it's a good machine, only a couple years old and I've treated it well..) or 3. Just teach her out to use it or find her something else since the mini-machine I got her... for Christmas? Yeah, that ended up being a piece of flying poo it's so useless. I thought it'd be great to LEARN on or something. I thought BY NOW mini-machines wouldn't such as much booty like they used to when I was a kid. I mean, it's been enough years you think they'd have improved on the crumminess at least to make a semi decent machine?
Yeah, well no.
Anyway, I was just venting. Said I'd probably do it come tax refund time. Not a big deal, just a couple months away and all that. Then he offered and... I felt bad you know? Like he'd taken my grumbling over feeling awful that the present she wanted and I got... ended up being bad, you know? It was like. Oh hey, I got you this! and... then it ends up being crap and I felt bad. :(
Anyway, I told him that he DID NOT have to feel obligated because I was venting to him. That I just needed someone to vent to that understood at least somewhat my frustration. Since I'd had high hopes not to really get any duds for pressies this year for the kids, you know? Right...
Then the conversation topic just sorta went to something else after I finally had given in and said "okay, you know what. This isn't doing myself any favors. If you want to buy me something, I'm not going to try and stop you. Just know that I don't expect anything" Because, I don't really. I mean I don't expect material items! But it's so lame and rude to get all upset if someone WANTS to do something NICE FOR ME! Because they care and want to do something to make me happy? I mean, what kind of ass does it make me to refuse things like that? I should treasure the fact that someone cares about me enough to want to do things like that.
Anyway, eventually it came up that he got it for me. I said something akin to shock and dismayed "Oh hon?!" or something similar. I thought that since we'd talked about it and I'd told him that, that... really that was the end of it you know? *sigh* Anyway, he says something about how he got money for Christmas anyway and he might as.....
((This post was interrupted by T who came in to blablabla about a video game he's playing and lounge on my bed. Thank you SO much for respecting my space. Really, I really appreciate it))
...well share it with me. My god what did I do to deserve someone so sweet to me?
Well then, during my appointment with J.W, BF sent me a text to say, joy of joys (?), that work needed him to stay back. So his 4 hour shift turned into a 8 hour shift with an hour long lunch smooshed in there. :( So instead of getting off at my 6:30 he was not going to be home until my 12:30 A.M. Which, is not really the end of the world. Sure it's a minor annoyance, because it means little to no time with him today, but it's good because it's extra money towards the plane ticket to come and see me for my birthday. At this point, it's not even something to worry about, as it's already 12:01 A.M my time. So in roughly 29 minutes I'll see him. Woo!
Okay, I believe I've rambled enough..
Oh wait! I forgot to mention. I have a new homework assignment before my next appointment.
This is in addition to continuing to do the things I've already been doing.
I now have to write a list of the things I like about myself.
Great, you know what that will consist of?
The kids. That's the only part of me I like. I honestly can't think of another thing about me that is worth liking.
Ugh, I think I'll get into a tangent on that tomorrow during feeling time. Since I have until next Wednesday to even have the darn list ready anyway...
Talk to you later blog..