22 December, 2010

Today I feel...

This is what I wrote during my 'feeling time' this evening. I'm not sure how long it took me. I just let the time escape me and whatever needed to come out. To come out. This, isn't exactly easy for me at all. It's easier to just swallow it back because it's far less painful... In the short term anyway.
J is my therapist, counselor, whatever. J.W is female. Names are changed/shortened for everyone's sake.

"Today I feel....

Embarrassed. Sad. Frustrated. Annoyed.

J asked "When will anything you do be good enough for you?"

I don't know when!
That really hurts to be able to admit.

That it is just easier to "know" nothing I'll do is good enough, and therefore not bother.

I also feel sad. Like everything negative that has ever been said is true. At least the things about me...

I'm still struggling with Frank's belief that I don't actually need the help I'm trying to get for myself.

I'm also frustrated. At myself for having such a lack of energy and desire to do much of anything.

Though, we did get some cleaning done today. I managed to vacuum the living room and stairs. Tomorrow I need to vacuum downstairs and get more laundry folded.

I hate that writing makes my hand hurt so badly!!

I hate that it's going to be really hard to get BF here.

I love the way this shirt still smells like him. The way the pajama shirt still does too.

I hate and am frustrated with T offering hugs only to make fun of me or have been making fun of me moments before.

He says he doesn't get why I don't "know" that I'm attractive... Probably because enough people say the opposite and you start to believe it. Then to STOP believing it becomes damn near impossible.


I'm still really hurt.

By EVERYTHING mom did after we moved up here. How everyone of them. Mom, Sis1, Sis2, Bro, Uncle J, and Aunt B made fun of how emotional I was and how much pain I was in.

I never wanted to leave my friends. My school. My toys. My clothes. The sunshine...

My carefree days that she stole from me.

I hate it still.
That I didn't get to finish growing up.

That I had to at 9.


It wouldn't have gotten better had I not had D1.

I think she was "Gods" way of getting me out of that finally. (I moved out when pregnant with her.)

Though to go from taking care of them to taking care of her was just another growing up... at least I "MOSTLY" got away from her (mom).

This is why... I want someone willing to "take care of me"!

I'm not even sure HOW to take care of me anymore. No, wait!

I never learned how... I learned to put ME last, if I put myself ever.

How the fuck do you break away from that?

I could learn to love me too.

everyone I knew could say something nice about me to my face! Once. Every day. Or even just in text, on the phone, something.

I could move past my past and feel better.

I could finally be good enough for myself...

It..... would be nice."

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