25 December, 2010

Oh geez.

Slacked much?
Actually, this wasn't delayed because I've been slacking. Quite the opposite actually. Holidays with kids just take a lot of prep more so when they get really excited about a present they want last minute and you're suffering from depression induced lack of wanting to do anything. Well that, and the day I TRIED to update blogger wouldn't allow it...

Needless to say. The kids loved it all.
I got an amazing present from BF and a sweet little puppet made by my oldest.
I have another gift on it's way from BF and, to be honest I'm in tears about it right this second.

I'm so tired from so many nights not sleeping until 3:00 AM, 5:30 AM, 2:30 AM. Yes. Christmas day I didn't go to sleep until 2:30 AM.
Yet by the grace of something amazing the kids came upstairs, looked at their toys, and first asked for breakfast! I got in a shower as they ate and I felt human for the first time in days!

Once the oldest three left to go spend time with their dad I bummed around a little, just attempting to regain energy and some mental peace.
I took a nap and didn't wake up until 3 HOURS later.

It was amazing.

Though I am feeling light headed and a little off. I am living off of sweets and left over chicken.
I've blown my diet the past two days but you know what. It is the holidays and I am going to allow it of myself. I'm only 13 pounds away from my goal. Though I may amend my goal once I get there. Reducing it another 10 pounds. So my absolute final goal MAY be smaller.

Perhaps I can get there in three months. I could not rightly tell you to be honest.

I hurt, a lot right now, I've been disrespecting myself by not taking care of me at all. I need a dose of pain killers, a back rub, and someone to cook me dinner. I did dishes, though a lot of the upstairs is still puked all over from Christmas presents.

BF got the kids each a gift, which they seemed to appreciate. T didn't say anything about it, nor the fact that BF got me something too. Thank goodness. He could have caused quite the fuss!

OH! I wanted to mention this the other day!! But Blogger would not upload the little window here to type within. The neighbors came to the door bearing gifts!! I cried! But worried somewhat they felt obligated. Then I realized. If they did, they did, though I didn't intend to. So I appreciate the gifts for the sweetness that they thought to reciprocate.

European cookies, and a GIANT Thing of Jelly Belly beans! Oh goodness! I tried a couple of beans. I love the cookies. Dear god European cookies are delicious. I've lived off junk food today and it's not a good thing.

Tomorrow, I may not bother with my diet either. I will get back on it Monday. I mean. I spent the three weeks that BF was visiting off my diet. I gained a couple pounds sure, but then I lost about 10 more right after! So I am not particularly fussed about what three whole days off will do to be honest. It's nice to just enjoy the holiday time with a little extra food and not allow myself to obsessively worry about this!

I'm feeling, a touch overwhelmed still. Though mostly sick to my stomach.

BF is too good to me sometimes I swear. Though I am going to not allow myself to feel guilt if he decides he wants to get me something anymore. He works and gets paid well. If he desires to get me something I want. So be it. I shouldn't feel guilt mixed with the happiness. It's rude, and isn't considerate of his feelings either.

Ummm... that's it to be honest. I don't have a whole ton of pent up feelings right this moment that I feel like sharing. I think I've pretty much just spilled whatever was on my mind. Though perhaps tomorrow when things have been a bit more calm all day I'll have more in which to get out off of my chest.

Oh. One thing.
I wish my family was closer.
I spent time with my little sister and her two kids yesterday (Christmas Eve) after dropping some Baklava over to my brother since that is what he asked for. He was the only sibling to actually ask me for anything. I'm terrible at getting gifts. To be honest since I'm rarely on talking terms with parts of my family, and other parts I don't see often. I have no idea if I should gift them. Though I did get Mom something, I had no idea what to get dad and neither did she.

My brother is divorcing, as is my little sister.

Her son (he's 2) fell in love with me when I came in the door. I haven't seen him since he was a tiny thing! not even able to crawl! now he's walking and talking. He reminds me of a more, ahhhh..... uncontrolled version of my son. Though he's sweet.

When I went to leave to finish errands, (I didn't have enough wrapping paper!) he waved to his mom and said "Bye mommy! Bye!" As if he was going too. So, yes, I took him. Then his sister wanted to go. So okay. I took her too. Ended up just dragging my sister and her two kids with me. Still, it was fun. The kids got to "blow me up" with wrapping paper used as guns, and it went fairly well.

Maybe.. someday, I'll have friends the kids and I can spend Christmas with.


What I really really want??

There to be an easy way for BF to move here, so we could spend the holidays together. It just. Didn't feel right to celebrate. Him asleep, a day ahead of us. I miss him so badly... and.. now I'm crying again...

11:36PM, and I still need dinner to settle my poor sugar bombed stomach!

I better go...


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