22 December, 2010

Today I feel...


I was feeling really randomly depressed off and on today. Not sure why. Or just really, apathetic? I didn't care. I was just done. With everything.

I had bad thoughts when driving. Both to and from the store. 'Just turn the wheel, gun it, right into the pole' 'just gun it, you'll get to the lake' 'just hit it, just lose control'. I had to push back really hard not to just do it. Then I'd think 'WTFH is wrong with you K?!'

I have no idea!

I was near tears too many times driving, I had to say 'no, I know we're late for feeling time. But PUSH IT BACK.'

Then of course I was near tears and coming to a red light. I didn't realize it was all too soon that I needed to start stopping. Nor did I realize it was going to be that icy right there. I started to slide, getting scarily too close to the person stopped at the light waiting there! I heard the car skidding on the ice, I was terrified. Thank god I was alone! Thinking quick as I continued to pump carefully on the breaks I shoved down to Neutral, and turned off the road a little so I could stop without hitting that person!! Thankfully. I DID NOT end up hitting that person. Instead, I ended up accidentally pulling my key out of the ignition half way somehow???

So when I tried to start driving again, the car wouldn't even budge. I thought I'd killed the engine somehow?! This is T's car too. You know how terrible that would have been? Just awful. More so considering he's already had to put in for repairs lately after it died on him. Maybe I should have just driven my car? But his was in the way and he said to just take it. So. Okay. I took it.

Anyway. I turned on the hazards, managed my key back in, trying not to panic and flip out (typical me I would have. I just told myself to push it back until I could process it. Thank you J.W for this advice I guess!), turned the car 'off' and then back on. Managed to get the rest of the way home without anything near that scary.

I hate the snow and ice. Dear god I hate it so much that I can't even stand it right now.

I am not sure what is up with my "fuck it all I can't do it anyway" attitude. As if it doesn't matter IF I get the things done I want to get done. It wont matter because no one will really give that much of a shit anyway. When I know that's most likely a load of bull. I know the kids will love the things I need to finish.

I'm not sure about the baking I have to do. I WILL be doing it anyway. I need to work with D2 on the pumpkin pie, not sure when. Probably Friday? Then S and I will maybe do the chocolate pie too? So it's ready for dinner? I decided on Chicken, Mashed Potatoes, Gravy, Stuffing, Rolls, Pumpkin Pie, Chocolate Pie, and this Chocolate Torte (cake?) that I have in the fridge.

I am not sure the random depressed feelings either. Though they tie into the "it's not good enough" issue I've been having. For, you know, too many years to even count anymore. I couldn't even tell you. I don't even have BF's present 1/4 of the way done. Hm. He's a day ahead of me too. (BF lives in another country.)

I really need to get it ready. I need to get it to him in time. Yeah. It is just something I can send over the internet. Well in it's first form. He'll be getting a 'hard' version of it whenever I get it taken care of and actually on its way. Mail takes forever from here to there! It's really rather annoying.

I'm still shaken up about the ice and sliding thing. I've also really got to try and GET THE ENERGY to finish the things I am doing for S and D3. More so because I have two things to finish for S!

Why do I do these sorts of things to myself?
I'll never get it.

Will they really notice if those things aren't there? S talks about this one thing, though he has no idea he's actually getting it. Like he IS getting it. As if he's 100% sure. I'll feel awful if I let him down. Though I've only managed to get a portion of the way done on it! I did nothing last night that was useful. Why do I do this to myself? I don't even understand it....

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