26 December, 2010

Delayed feelings.

My dumb self scheduled a 30 min shift of call work that started 10 minutes after my feeling time should have.

So yet again I had to delay myself.
Right now, I am listening to Katy Perry's "Firework" over and over. The video makes me cry. Really cry.
Today is the first time I've heard this song, and it's touching.

I wish I could follow through with it.

I wish I wasn't so scared to just go out there and take a chance with the things I want to do.
I wish I wasn't.
I want to have that sort of self confidence.

I do just feel like a plastic bag. Drifting in the wind.
Paper thin..
One blow from caving in like a house of cards.

Is there really still a chance for me??
I don't even know if there ever was..

But how do I "show them what I'm worth"??
I have absolutely no idea, and it really hurts. I want to be unafraid of showing the world what I love to do. What I want to do. Who I am.

I want to be amazing.
I want to share it with so many people.
I want to be like her. My idol. (Not Katy Perry.) I want to show that it doesn't matter where you are from, or what you are from, or what people may say. You can have your voice be heard.

How do I make my chance? How do I get my chance? Where do I go? Who will listen.
God I want someone to listen.

I want the chance to be on a stage again. I want to sing again for people.
NOT just drunks in a bar.
Not just my computer.
Not just the kids, not just in the shower.

I want people to clap again. Like they did when I did solo's in school. God I just don't know how to start or where! I've looked. I've wanted to try for American Idol. I wanted to try for America's Got Talent.
Yet I'm too scared to do it. That or all the Tryouts for American Idol always happen so far away.

This is why I wish I was still in California! I could get to things easier! Instead of stuck up here. Too far North to do anything. I need to get away from here. I'm trapped her. I'm cold here. I'm miserable here.

I need to save myself from all of this... But how do you do that? How do you save yourself from something like this??

...Thanks for listening. I feel better just getting to rant. I'm already not needing to cry for right now.
I meditated for 20 minutes earlier. With this guided meditation MP3 I downloaded. I may have fallen asleep, or just gotten really deep into it. I can't really remember what happened during it. Though perhaps that is part of the point?

I took my Vitamin D again. I keep forgetting. I'm terrible at remembering this sort of thing! Reminds me I need to get multivitamins for the kids again. They've been out and they 'need' *in my mind* the extra defense against all the sickness that comes around this time of year! Plus. I want them healthier than I am!

I really do feel a bit better now.
BF gets off work late today. He wasn't supposed to, but work needed him extra. That's always good. Extra hours are good for the paycheck, and his hours haven't been great.

That always worries me when they're not. I worry for him. Though I need to also remember to worry for myself.

I've taken 3 days off my diet. It was nice, I didn't worry too much. I just enjoyed the holiday treats.
The youngest and I went to the local Chinese buffet today. It was good. BF paid for it since he offered to pay for my Chinese craving last night, yet the place that delivers was closed. Bleh. Heh, he's sweet too me and tries to spoil me just a touch.

I usually feel guilty when he wants to.
I felt guilty about what he got me for Christmas. I just used my creativity to make him something for Christmas. Though he said it was the best present he's ever got. So I will take him for his word on that. Which is hard, considering I worry about everything I do for/give to people. Always. Is it good enough?Why can't I just take that it's good enough and if it made someone happy it did and if it didn't then. Well. That's on them. I did my best to make sure everyone had a good Christmas. That includes kids teachers, the kids, the neighbors, and BF.

It's okay K, It's okay. Just calm down okay? Everything will be okay if you just calm down and let good enough be good enough.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas, or whatever holiday you may celebrate.
May love and happiness fill your days!


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