21 December, 2010

Rising from the darkness.

Today is the official first step of my journey from the darkness.
If I can break out of it I am not fully sure.

However, for all of us.
I need to do this.
I need to break free for me.
For him.
For them.

Despite what the shadow says.
I must break out of the current way I am tortured.
I must find salvation within myself and within the care of those who understand the fragile mental state in which I stand... In which I crumble... In which I cry... In which... there is nothing but pain.

Hopefully, I can make it through this journey.
You can watch if you want.
Though I give you no guarantee that this will be pleasant or pretty.

Take it for what you will.
The suffering, and hopefully recovery of a woman with an 'emotional disorder'.

It is now 4 hours 32 minutes until I go to my first appointment.
What will they say?
What did my medical records tell them that they contacted me not even a week after I saw them last when they told me it'd be WEEKS before they could get me in?

All sorts of terrible things are in my head.
All sorts of worries.

Google and WebMD have not been my friends.
I've researched all sorts of things I could have.

Some I worry I fit.
Why? Am I really that way? Or am I seeing things that aren't there merely out of fear alone?

Who am I anyway?
I don't even know that most of the time.
I look in the mirror, but I have no idea who the heck I am supposed to be.
Here I am, 26 years old and I'm still lost. I know children who know themselves better than I do.

It's heartbreaking.
Who is this woman supposed to be? Why am I stuck where I was so many years ago? Why do I feel like a child stuck in here? Why do I feel like I never moved past certain things?

Is there any hope for me?

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