Happy New Year

I don't really celebrate the New Year in any special way.
Most years, I've been caught up doing... the usual thing I do at night. That I've even missed the fact that oh. It's past midnight now. I guess the New Year has started?Woo?

Feeling....

Headachey, and agitated.
Yeah, that is me in a nutshell this evening really.
I went to target, because they have their Christmas things on sale. Perhaps I shall go again a little later when they have more of it on a higher clearance. I got myself some Choxie chocolate at 50% off, (two boxes..), and something for the kids I have been promising for A YEAR!

*grumbling*

I don't really like phone calls at 8:20 A.M!
More so when it's the collection agency from the hospital bills.
Man, talk about pathetic. They just called me a couple of weeks ago and told me they'd call back in a couple of MONTHS. Look, folks, trust me, I know that my lack of health insurance means I'm in medical debt. Really really I know this to be true.

Today's appointment.

We were 'all over the place' with today's appointment. Which J.W said isn't a bad thing.
I cried, a lot, though actually had some moments where I wasn't all in tears. I left with tears in my eyes and a tissue in hand. I had to brush it aside and let myself just focus on it later.

I didn't do feeling time today, because I figure the hour I spend with her can be considered it completely well enough on it's own you know?
Instead I came home, and got to shovel lots of snow! Ugh...

What the heck is wrong with me?!

I'm not even sure.
I went to bed earlier last night than I have the past few nights.
Or at least, I really attempted too!
A took a lovely long shower, scrubbed up, shaved, just felt really good and lovely.

Blah..

My energy was cut to next to nothing today.
It was one of those, struggle to get out of bed days.

I did get snuggle time with the youngest, then she sat around and watched some cartoons while I struggled with myself.

Writing just to write..

I did singing for feeling time really. It felt good, and I suppose it falls under the 'doing something artistic' category. Right?

I decided, why not? And took the chance to post a video of myself singing on YouTube. Scary. I have it set so that I can moderate comments. I'll just throw away anything from anyone who decides they want to be a giant jerk. Which I realize is about 95% of those who actually comment on YouTube. Hopefully, what little self esteem I have is able to handle it enough to at least roll my eyes and click delete for the comment.

Delayed feelings.

My dumb self scheduled a 30 min shift of call work that started 10 minutes after my feeling time should have.

So yet again I had to delay myself.
Right now, I am listening to Katy Perry's "Firework" over and over. The video makes me cry. Really cry.
Today is the first time I've heard this song, and it's touching.

Oh geez.

Slacked much?
Actually, this wasn't delayed because I've been slacking. Quite the opposite actually. Holidays with kids just take a lot of prep more so when they get really excited about a present they want last minute and you're suffering from depression induced lack of wanting to do anything. Well that, and the day I TRIED to update blogger wouldn't allow it...

Today I feel...

Overwhelmed!

I was feeling really randomly depressed off and on today. Not sure why. Or just really, apathetic? I didn't care. I was just done. With everything.

Nerves.

I'm shaking right now.
It took me 20 minutes to get up the nerves to walk 'next door'. It's not really even a 'next door' as it's the other duplex. We're attached by garage's but that's it actually. We have no common living space walls. So I'm not sure what to even call it.

Today I feel...

This is what I wrote during my 'feeling time' this evening. I'm not sure how long it took me. I just let the time escape me and whatever needed to come out. To come out. This, isn't exactly easy for me at all. It's easier to just swallow it back because it's far less painful... In the short term anyway.
J is my therapist, counselor, whatever. J.W is female. Names are changed/shortened for everyone's sake.

"Today I feel....

First appointment, and "Feeling time"

J. My counselor, therapist. Whatever.

Has given me homework.
I am to change my self talk. I need to change my "should"s, "have to"s, and "need to"s.
They should become "it would be nice if..."s instead.

Rising from the darkness.

Today is the official first step of my journey from the darkness.
If I can break out of it I am not fully sure.


However, for all of us.
I need to do this.
I need to break free for me.
For him.
For them.