Hard a work? Or hardly working?

Ugh, I feel like I am getting nowhere with anything about myself.
A lot of my time and talk in therapy lately is all about my son.
I know, I know, something about it all I guess. I know I need to focus on him a bit too, but I am wondering how far I can go with getting better than I can right now.
Who knows...

I am worn out a bit, though despite trying, I am not able to sleep well. Even with sleep medication, it's not really happening all to well.

I dunno, I don't even know what to say.

I'm frustrated with lots of things right now.
I can't believe I start school again... Granted it's only in like 18 days from now. That's still over two weeks.
I have no idea.
Just stressy and tired... I feel like I am going nowhere with a lot of things. I am just.. in generally... worn thin, and feeling crappy.

What do I do to feel better?

-Shattered

Did you know??

I'm a bitch!
Yes, that is what the ex called me about 40 minutes ago.
Why???
Because I dared to spend an hour and a half at my brothers birthday dinner, and put my phone on silence so he wouldn't call me every 30 minutes! Of course, he did try and call, and was all sorts of bitch-tastic at me.

Okay. Sorry that I asked you to watch your kid solo for the first time since, yanno, April?
FFS. It's been over 3 months! Spend some time alone with her and stop being a douche.

Whatever. -_-;

Kids and I all had therapy today.
Funny enough, my therapy revolved mostly around my son, and working out what kind of things we can do to help him. That's okay, because a fair bit of stress in my life relates to the challenges of him.

Hopefully, all goes well for him and us.
Right now, all I can do is pray right?

The other day, err.. Wednesday. I got new medication to help me sleep. My doctor thinks that I may be far better off once I can actually sleep. So she's actually got me on a sleep medication. Yes... we shall see. We're giving me a month of taking it for a week, trying a couple days without, taking it for a week, and then trying a couple days without and praying that it resets my poor awful hardly existent ability to sleep!

Other than that.. hmmmm, I had absolutely no real desire to eat at my brother's birthday dinner. It was just mom and dad, my youngest sister, my brother, and myself. Today my brother is 24. My own brother is older than my BF. Hehehehe. Oops? I dunno, I really can't be too fussed about it personally. >.>

Well okay, sometimes I can be.

Anyway, I did eventually eat, and managed to feel too full to finish. That's a good thing. I have't really felt full in a bit.

I've just sorta been, no real desire to eat or do much else.

Eh who knows, we shall see how things go.

Other than that, I really gotta get the youngest to sleep!

-Shattered

My Nightmares

Often involve my mother. Usually, she is not listening to me and leaves me defenseless in a situation where I am quickly overwhelmed. Much like my childhood. Where I was the misunderstood, unwanted 'black sheep' of the family. Despite striving my best to do my best for her, it was never enough to make me anything but that.

Even though my oldest sister started having sex with far older men at the age of 12, and even had her first abortion. I was the bad one.

I had another such dream last night.
Perhaps I feel bad because I did not adhere to my mothers request of coming over yesterday to hang out before going to get the kids? I felt like if I did go over there she'd put me to work painting or ripping up carpeting. Not exactly my ultimate feeling of a visit, is going and ripping up carpeting or getting roped into painting walls. More so on a Sunday.

My sleep is still pretty awful. Though last night I made it to bed shortly after 1:30AM, I was up again at 6:00AM with wicked pain from my tooth that needs the root canal. I still cannot afford it, and likely wont be able to anytime soon.

Yesterday, my desktop computer died. This is a BAD thing, as school starts on the 18th of August and I need my desk top for school. It is stronger than my laptop, and has the programs I need. Plus I just prefer to work with something that I don't have to place on my lap. Not that I mind my laptop, it allows me to be online where ever I can get access to wireless... it is just that I am very used to the comfort of my desktop, and I am frustrated to see it go kaput. I started it up yesterday, intent to sketch and then work one of my crappy low-paying work at home jobs once I got the kids to bed.. and not long later the computer froze.

After that, it will turn on and nothing else. Of course I did my usual routine of things that help it. Only to realize that I need a new CPU fan, and the Power Supply is not giving enough power. Thankfully, it is not something worse like the actual CPU, the hard drive (I would lose all my college work so far, all my pictures of the children, and my art!!), the Mobo or the video card.. but it is a frustrating loss none the less!

I am close to bashing my head against the wall in frustration.
Pain and suffering sleep does nothing to make my mood any better, and I am growing increasingly frustrated with life lately.

I found a job on CL that may just be right up my alley, the hours appear to be close to perfect, and it is not dealing face to face with people. It is working back in a stockroom for a shop, and you know.. I think I can do that. No possible customers to get in my face and yell, or sigh, or eyeroll, smack their lips, glare, shit like that? Yeah, it sounds good.

Oh, and another frustration, someone left a note on a previous entry, and.. I meant to click the link in email to allow the note. Instead, I accidentally clicked the delete, and there is no possible restore for the message!! Ugh!! I am frustrated and angry at myself!

After my 25 minutes up to take pain killers and use an ice pack on my face I managed to get back to sleep until 9. Then my son woke me up to ask if he could quietly play on the Wii, I said sure.. as long as it's quietly I don't care!

I got out of bed at 9:30AM to see the my second daughter putting dishes away from the dish washer.
Not only did the PUT them away, she reloaded and ran the dishwasher!! Awww. Some light for all the darkness lately.

-Shattered

Conversations while baking:

I was making cookies with the youngest, and while putting dough on one of the pans the following conversation took place.

Youngest: "Mommy where did you live when you were a little kid?"
Me: "California"
Youngest: "Oh! That's... Miles away!"
Me: "Yes, it is pretty far away..."
Youngest:"That means we couldn't see you!"
Me: "Well no, you weren't born yet."
Youngest: "Right! Because we were dead!"
Me: "Oh? So you decided to be born to me?"
Youngest:"Yes! I decided to come to you and be your cutest baby!"
Me: *tries not to laugh* "Oh really?"
Youngest:"Yeah! I was really cute when I was a baby!"
Me: "You're still cute now"
Youngest: "I'm beautiful too!"
Me: "Yes, yes you are."

Well, I know a certain someone with no current problems with her self esteem. :P

I wish I had her self esteem~!

In other news.. I am still in pain, and very close to being unable to pay bills. I'm stressed as hell about it.

So have no real words right now to cope...

-Shattered

Another infection

Not BF this time, actually it's me. I have another infected tooth, and somehow need to come up with $350 so that I can get a root canal done on it. That is the cheapest place local, and the cost to have it just removed and get a denture is about the same. So.. I guess I'd rather go with the low-income clinic and get the root canal. Honestly, if it was a tooth further back I wouldn't do it, but since it's one of the ones in the front.. Well, what can I do? I want it done, because the pain is driving me nuts.

I was in so much pain I got a total of four hours with a few minutes of sleep. That was it. I was up and trying whatever I could to stop the pain. I actually called the low income dentist to see how fast they could get me in. Luckily, there was a cancellation so they got me in for an exam today. I am in need of a fair few fillings, and found out.. of all things, they can pull my last wisdom tooth. Funny that before they said they couldn't? But now they can.. then again that was over the phone and perhaps they did not understand the situation. Still... they're cheaper even than the place I was using before.

Sadly, they do not take the little 'CareCredit' card thing I got. Which is a bummer needless to say!
So.. somehow?? I have to come up with $300. Great, I'm stressing bills as is, but I need my mouth to feel better because the pain is severely limiting my functioning when it destroys my sleep so completely!

So, I got a prescription for Antibiotics, they help make the pain not as bad... somehow. I am not sure why, but it works somewhat.
I also managed to call and get a month of samples of my Cymbalta while I wait for Ginger (lady who manages my free meds from the company that makes em..) to get the approval from R (who prescribes my meds) to go ahead and get me another 4 month supply or whatever I get I don't flipping know.

It was good to take a dose of meds today that was a complete dose. Though I am still paying the price of hurting myself. I am lucky my nails are FINALLY growing long, yet I hurt myself with them on purpose without realizing I am doing it and it's frustrating. I don't want to cut them off, I've wanted my nails to grow for YEARS now.

I am a fair bit extremely crazy stressed.
What is a good part time job to do when you do not handle people well? All I am finding is fast food and call center type work. Which is all work with a lot of contact with people. Even through the phone it's extremely hard! Night Janitor doesn't work because no one would be home with the children. Ideally I'd like to find something I can do during the hours they'd all be at school, or even find one that takes up hours that means that the youngest would need some kind of care the first half of the day until school starts. Whatever it is, I'd prefer not to have to work before they have school, or after. So, yes, I want to be limited to a job that wants me from I guess 9:30am to no later than 3PM. That's.. well hell I'd only manage part time anyway. I just need SOMETHING. Before I end up with us all living in my van.
Okay, no, that wont happen.

But I seriously do not know what to do with myself. @_@;

Maybe I could manage something like.. stock room or door greeter at Walmart. Something that doesn't.. I don't know, really require having to attempt to go out of my way serving people who will give me those looks. I got so many of those looks, that voice, that eyeroll. The one week I managed at McDonalds. Oh man, 20 minute-ish computer training and they threw me to the sharks on register!! I wasn't happy with that, at all. I was to ill-prepared and people could be so bitchy.

Blah!!
I can't sleep. I tried, but I couldn't shut down my brain. Still can't.
What AM I going to do with myself?

Uggghhhh

Still sick,
It's been getting so hot that the house has been heating up to 83. I wish we had air conditioning. Yeesh, 83 is not a good indoor temperature.
A good temperature for both indoors and out is a nice 76. That's my happy temperature, 76, with a gentle breeze. But I know that's not hot enough to warm up water.
Then again, it's not like I can go to the lake feeling so ill!

The youngest and I are alone a week again.
The house is always so strange when it's just the two of us. All this space and stuff and two people, it feels so awkward.
We ended up cleaning their bathroom downstairs today. I went down there to cool off (much cooler down there when it's super hot up here!), and then had to use the toilet. Then I realized "fucking gods, this place is nasty!" So out came the Clorox wipes, trash bag, and broom to really make the place look far better.
I guess you never realize how bad a room can get if you rarely use it. I don't really go down there and invade their area enough to actually USE the downstairs toilet when there are 2 up here on the main level after all.

ugh..
my teeth hurt..
too much to write now..
gods I'm falling apart

-Shattered

There goes that plan

My 'plan of attack' for the day was to clean, sew lots, let the kids play outside.
Thinking that I was starting to feel better, only to wake up with so much sinus pressure that all of the teeth on the top of my head feel like they are going to explode into tiny little pieces of evilness. My voice is funny, my head is all congested and feels like hell.

I just want to go sleep, but I have no one to watch the kids. *whimper*
I asked the EX, but he's going to go take a nap because he had to wake up at 9:30 for a work call. *sigh*

Of course, I don't really know anyone else I trust enough to have them come into the house for a time while I sleep. No.. not even my mom. Sorry to say, sure I did manage to ask her over once. But that was once in the past 3 1/2 years that I've done so.

Instead, I believe I will just go and be a zombie on the couch. Eventually, I'll put the cat in the bathroom, lounge by the front door, and let the kids.. play on the grass or something. Gah, if only the back yard was accessible through the house. Then I could just toss them outside to play and I could lounge within viewing distance far more easily. Or.. you know, have the front yard be fenced. Bleh.

Yes, I am whining, I'm a touch jealous of all the times I've tended to sick kids as much as possible.. when I remember back to my childhood and it didn't happen. I want that now... someone to care enough to dote on my at least a little right now.

-Shattered

Sick

My throat is in agony. I am not sure if I have finally somehow got the strep that the kids had at the start of the summer/a bit ago..
Or.. if I am just.. Sick!
I am absolutely a bit confused on it.

Either way, I feel post nasal drip, and my voice is 'going the way of the dinosaurs'. My stomach doesn't hurt too much, but I should be on my monthly 'woman week'. Or, something, considering the spotting. I have no idea, I can't even tell.

It took me forever to feel tired enough to go to sleep considering my throat.
I used to suffer from strep often, actually I had it so much that I wanted my tonsils out, but had been told that I was 'too old', because I was 17 when I asked for it to be done again.

Of course, when I reported that to a doctor years later at 21, they looked at me like I had grown another head and said that if I persistantly get something wrong with my tonsils, being 21 was not 'too old' to have them removed, and therefore there was no way that 17 was.

Was the other doctor just lazy? I have no idea.

Either way, I was lucky that the kids slept in enough to not wake me until 10. Thankfully... today is a lazy day where there is nothing going on due to 1. I have to wait from 8am to 5pm at home anyway, since I decided to re-have my home-phone hooked up. And... since it was only $8 more a month to do so... have the cable put back on too. It means I can watch all my favorite baking/cake challenge type shows again.

I've decided, that my current job being a guide for the search company 'ChaCha' is just not paying enough. I can sit there for hours and maybe make $5. No, I can't do it.
So instead I will go back to my dread 'on the phone' job, where I only get paid for the minutes on the phone.. but.. if I end up actually talking for 30 minutes in one hour, I make $7.50 instead of working back to back with ChaCha and maybe making $1.50! Heck, I could easily work my usual 2-3 hours, and at $7.50 make $22.5 only actually talking to people for 90 minutes of that, instead of working almost back to back on ChaCha and maybe making $5

I just have to get over my complete loathing of how awful people can be when they're calling in to order various things off of infomercials. It will.. absolutely take a lot of mental strength and energy, but.. I am determined to do my best. I cannot keep going the way I am going. I am absolutely sick to my stomach with having so little money that I am hardly scraping by every month.

Wish me luck! Once school starts again come August 18th... my load of things to do will be amped.. up a bit. Still, if I can manage even an hour, even of I can only manage to make sure I make $15 a day.. It is FAR better... than what I am managing now!

------
Someone super sweet commented on my last post (actually two super sweet people did, but I am talking about this one specific one) and said she followed me and hoped that my followers went back up. Oddly enough? The number hasn't gone up, nor do I see their name on the list. o.O Maybe.. I haven't lost anyone, but blogger is just messing with my head.

Mean mean blogger!

-Shattered

Exhaustion

Today has been, wow.. intense.
The oldest had an emotional... I don't even know what to call it, at the girls having to clean their room. She's not even sure what it was all about, or why it was all about.. but there it was.

She had a doctors appointment today, and I had therapy.. So did three of them. Yet again her therapist didn't show up. Joyous.

I'm completely and totally worn out.
I just.. RE-realized that I am almost out of my medication, and a part of me says ... don't bother with them anymore.

I'm frustrated, sad, and having trouble sleeping.

I feel so isolated on my own problems, and now even with the ones that are finally confirmed my son has. Of all people to be all 'don't medicate him it's bs' my stoned ass brother said it.

It's just.. I know I shouldn't care, but it hurts. I feel isolated on so many levels, and amazingly.. .the only in real life support I have is the EX.
I am thankful for that, and I know that I should not... or it'd be nice if I didn't.. but I still wish Ex-h would be supportive.. or.. even.. that well some of my family would be supportive.


Don't hold your breath huh?
The kids slept in today, we barely woke up with enough time to get to the doctors office and do the oldest's yearly check-up. She got a shot, found out her height and weight.. and got kind of 'scolded' for the kids only having had a granola bar for breakfast. Give me a break, we'd only been up for 20 minutes before the appointment, it was a miracle I got anything for them with how it takes us to get out the door.

Of course, by the time we got home it was noon, so we had lunch anyway...

Well, the kids did.
I haven't been eating well, or sleeping well.. or just in general well.


Another thing I shouldn't care about?
My 'followers' went from 16 to 15. How lame it is that I care about that? Okay.. I do.. I wonder who decided they'd rather not read my stuff anymore. I... feel a bit hurt by that..
It's that.. rejection..

I feel rejected by something like that..
and I'm close to crying now.

-Shattered

Do you ever forget?

What you look like?

I find that if I do not remind myself to look in the mirror, I forget what I look like.
The length of my hair, the size of my nose, how my cheekbones are. The shape of my eyebrows, the exact color of my hair, aside from what I can see of it... Things like that.

I forget things like that..
So, when I am sitting here at my computer desk (a place I haven't sat much lately. I've spent more time on my laptop than desktop since summer started), I leave my bathroom door open so that I can glance over from time to time to make sure that.. I don't forget who I look like.

Even if I feel oddly misplaced in who is right there.

I got the kids from the ex-h yesterday, and it seems my son has picked up a rather unfortunate habit from the ex-h's girlfriends daughter. Screaming, yelling, and getting absolutely pissed about the smallest thing. Of course he (son) was tired as all get out yesterday, so our dinner was a bit rough as the EX was being a giant douche about the smallest of things. He was literally arguing with a tired, ADHD, 6 year old who was emotionally out of control and hungry (ex-h does not feed the kids well, they always come back extremely hungry!). So.... the poor kiddo ended up having multiple meltdowns. RIGHT THERE in the restaurant. This is NOT typical of my son. He does not often burst into hysteric tears like this. Unless he's extremely tired and completely overwhelmed. So...

Why does the EX HAVE to agitate him so much? Why does he pick battles with a 6 year old?!

I'm.. so... heart broken over how he treats him.
Why can't he attempt to have a bit more compassion? I dread having to pick up the kids because of the drama it causes if I don't want him to go with me to get them. I dread going with him because he tends to pick these fights with a little child!

-Shattered

What I found

That I shouldn't have..
____________________________________________
Maybe I should start with how therapy went this week.
I told Dr. L how it went with the EX and she told me I seemed happier because the kids were gone for a visit. What the fuck ever. She didn't see me last week when they were here, I was fine last week too. So, what the hell ever.

*sigh*

Okay, aside from that. Not a whole ton going on right now other than that. Not a whole lot really. It's typical..... me not doing much.
So today the youngest and I built my drawing desk. Yes, finally. I got it before or actually right after my last class started and that was awhile ago. Since I'm still on my extended break.

After that, which was harder than hell and hurt my hands a fair bit. But it's done, and looks great. I really want to get my computer and desk in there and make my office and office.

Then we did some laundry, then I cleared off the kitchen counters, and scrubbed them down a fair bit. They look nice. A bit more work to do, so, I'll get there. We'll get there. We'll see.

Um.. okay.

So what I found?

The EX asked me to go into the office and check through something he left there for something. I found this little journal thing, and... Oh.. I snooped. Even worse I read it while he was on the phone with me! But he didn't know. He didn't seem to even recognize it when he got here hours upon hours later to get the things.

Some of it was just writing of stories. Some of it was emotional stuff where he blames BF for things that he didn't do originally. As in, the reason that he and I aren't together was because of BF. Actually, BF was just my friend when he called off the wedding and that was the end. After that, we never repaired things well enough and it just fell apart.

Anyway, I read it and I felt a bit awful for him. Then again, it's the same stuff he yelled at me. The same not taking any blame for any of all of the situation.

Later though, a later writing because he hates himself. I feel bad. The writings have to be months upon months old though. Considering he's been moved out since February, and it's now almost Mid-July.

*sigh*

Anyway...
Other than that, I have.... had the most horrific time sleeping lately. It takes forever, and if I fall asleep before 2AM I wake up around 5 or 530AM.. Then I am up for an hour, and then I don't wake up until anyplace between 10:40am and 11:40am.

Today I wanted to wake up at 9am. It was then that I couldn't fall asleep until nearly 5AM.
Damn. So today I was up at 11:20 AM only because some door to door church guy came to my door, the youngest came to my room (I have no idea how long she was up) and by the time we got to the door, they'd just slipped the little pamphlet through. Oh well..

*sigh* So I refused to take my anti-depressants. Thinking, you know what??Taking it come noon is making it hard to sleep.

My head hurts something fierce. I am playing with fire here, but right now. I need to play with fire so I can get myself on a decent track and stop this suffering.

Also, I've spent time watching things like Hoarders, and various little documentaries, and right now I am watching Obsessed. Some of these shows really make me feel better. I feel less alone, I feel more normal compared to some of the people. Which is awful to admit, but feeling 'more normal' than someone else, helps me feel less 'out there, like a stupid freak' and things like that.


*sigh*

Anyway, I am giving myself only an hour more right now, and then I will head to bed.

-Shattered

A kick in the face

So today the Ex-h came to get the kids.
I told him about DS's ADHD diagnosis and he goes off about how he doesn't believe that ADHD exists and that all DS needs is more rules and more strictness. Basically, "If you're a bad boy, we're cutting your hair" because DS wants to grow his hair long enough to get a ponytail. So it's at an awkward stage and all that..

Then, THEN he says that before even thinking about drugs I should just make DS go live with him for a year, go to school there, basically uproot him from being with me.. and his three sisters so he can "learn how much he wants to be with you and them and how much he misses all of you".. Seriously?!

So.. he goes on and on and says some things about me and medication and my own issues and all of this jazz and how maybe it's just better if I give him custody of the oldest 3 until I am done with school and have a good job. You know in about 3-4 years. Say.. what??

Basically.. ADHD is BS. No meds, more harshness. Don't allow him to have something psychical but unharmful to anyone (long hair), if he can't be a "GOOD BOY" *sigh*

I'm upset like crazy.. I am just heart broken. I am just so hurt that.. basically he thinks that DS just sucks because I haven't given him enough discipline!! I mean.. what?! I've tried so hard to discipline DS right, I've tried the same things as the girls, I've tried different things as the girls, I've tried so many things and have met with lots and lots of frustration and heartache! I have been trying to handle all of this for years my absolute best like this. And he wants to say that it's NOT real!?? I mean.. what else is this? I'm just awful? My son needs ripped from me and his sisters, his hair needs hacked off, and he basically needs nothing but a chair and a bed and to be treated like he's in a boot camp or something?? 



:(


-Shattered

I don't wanna be here! I wanna go home!!

Yet another Wal-mart run in the past couple of days... and yet again I panicked out.
I was trying to go to the bathroom today and some guy nearly rammed his cart against me! He saw me there, I made sure no one was moving and then he comes right out me! So I hide against the wall out of the way and put my hands over my face. An older man sitting there in an electric wheeled-cart and goes to EX "Someone's tired" when I did it and EX had noticed and came over to make sure I was okay.

Ex said yeah and she has pretty bad anxiety. Guh... I felt embarrassed. I whimpered about that guy was going to hit me and he saw me but he was coming right at me with his cart and I was tired and it was too much and I just didn't wanna be there anymore and I wanted to go home!!!

At that point, we'd already been at the park for an hour while the kids played at the water pad, then we went to Wal-mart, right as we got there I get a call from DD1's phone... hmm k? So she butt-dialed me but I answered anyway to have a man say oh yeah we found this phone. Gah!! so we go all the way back to the park and I have to get out to get the phone and then EX gives me money so I have to run and go give the money to the people as a thank you. By then I'm already worn out because my son really needs something and this herbal stuff to help with ADHD I have does not do much at all I've noticed.. so I'm hyper alert because he can just go and doesn't think too well about running clear off and I didn't want him running off with this little boy he was playing with and it was stressful as sin.

I also forgot a lot of things I was supposed to get. Diet Coke and Mentos for tomorrow.. ugh how could I forget?! that and fireworks... How do I forget fireworks for the 4th?! Hopefully some places will still have some little stuff that kids will like during the day for tomorrow.. I may need another anxiety med or two but they make me need a nap and I.. indeed did crash on the couch today for .. I don't know how long but thankfully the kids had a 'snacky' dinner tonight so.. it was.. easy/okay? *sigh*

I am worn thin, all the doctors appointments lately are wearing me out and I really know that these anti-depressants don't appear to be doing too much at all. So I guess, it's about time to go in and say "I really don't think this is right" all over again. I'm so bummed, but I just am not dong so well on this at all and I need... I need.. something because I've noticed I've been hurting myself lately and not even realizing it until I am aching a lot! I am hurting myself with my nails and just doing it without realizing it until EX notices it and then he takes my hands and just tells me to squeeze his really tightly. :(

I'm falling apart and not handling myself well. The things with the kids the past week and all the doctor stuff is really weighing me down and I am just.. falling apart as if you'd expect a 3 or 4 year old to deal with all of this information. I also got a sunburn despite wearing SPF 50!! Two days in a row and now I hurt. I took the kids to the lake yesterday for about an hour and a half.. I am just.. *sigh* worn out.


Tomorrow is going to be a lot! We'll be outside a lot of the day, snacking on a fruit tray, a veggie tray, and a meat, cheese and cracker tray during the day. Then we'll be having grilled foods, then ice cream sundaes and s'mores to also celebrate my son's birthday... yes.. all this time later. It'll be good to give him all his presents aside from the DS lite I gave him (it was listed as 'broken' but all it needed was a battery charging, score!), and the game that BF gave him. EX has a DS lite game for him too, as well as a nerf sword and shield set since he's really set on dressing up as Link from the Zelda series.. well actually it's a shield with a dagger, I couldn't count that tiny thing as a sword. Then there is the present I got him from the girls, a little tank that comes with the thing for free tadpoles to watch them grow into frogs. I think he'll really like that.

I am exhausted, I am overwhelmed. Blessedly the EX bought me my favorite coffee today and that made me feel better. Sadly, I was so out of it that I fell asleep before I actually finished it today!! But I did finish it when I woke up. *lesigh*

Okay... that's good for now.
I will update after tomorrow, I guess, just to see how I manage.

-Shattered

No idea for a title

Poor Dr. L was sick yesterday. So I didn't get to see her.. wait.. Thursday. I guess at this point Yesterday was Friday.

So.. I got to sit around the waiting room.
I did talk to my son's therapist/counselor about what he saw..
He see's the ADHD, he see's the ODD. But says the ODD is mild and that they should be able to work on it. He agree's about looking into medication for the ADHD, as well as working on having a set schedule and other things..

I've been more gentle with him (son) since finding out. How can I not be? I have an actual confirmation that.. it's NOT me! It's not all in MY head that he's difficult. It's not that I am a bad parent and that the EX is completely awful or anything else. It's not that he WANTS to be bad, it's just that... his brain needs some help and he needs our understanding.

The EX has been trying to get better with how he's handling him too, thank the gods for that one, because.... well... because.. The EX and my son can go at it so hard attitude wise that it can really fuck my head over something fierce and I hate it.

Today, he watched a movie with all four kids for the night. He does "Movie night" generally every other Friday night but only with the bigger girls. He watched one with all of the kids last night.. err... tonight.. whatever. They did pretty well, sure at some points he (son) got distracted, but he made it through the entire movie and I put him to bed. I'm so proud of him, he's been wanting to sleep on the futon in the playroom lately instead of in his room (it's summer, I'm allowing them to just. sleep where they want to as long as it's a comfortable place really.. more so since they've all been sick lately. Ugh, so whatever just sleep someplace as long as you sleep and don't all want to pile into my bed because I do like to sleep in my bed..

Anyway.. despite being around all those toys, he's slept fairly well! Which... is really amazing for him!

Umm,.....
Went to the Walmart we used to go to before they made a closer one.
I didn't do well there.
I had panic attack after panic attack even though I made sure to take anti-anxiety meds 20min before!!
I didn't like the layout, I didn't like the lights, I didn't like that it was the 1st and so many people were there, I didn't like the smell, I didn't like that the food section is on the other end of the store compared to the other. I didn't like it's cramped style.. it was awful. It just all set me off, eventually I just went and had to wait in the car. I was NOT doing well. But I did make it about 97% of the trip.. then I went out with three of the kids while the youngest stayed in with the ex and he paid (I gave him my money to pay for my things)... I just turned on the air in the car, the music, and laid back the seat and calmed down the best I could.

Ex bought me my favorite coffee, he had it memorized. Which is great... hehe...
I got home, put the groceries away, and needed a nap but talked to BF a little before he went to work.. then I napped. Then made dinner, then started working my... doesn't pay enough but is better than nothing at home job... then it was movie time.

Oh! We went out of town and let the kids see their uncle, aunt and cousins from Ex-h's side before they had to go back to Germany because that is where he is stationed. Ex-h's Dad, and both of his brothers are in the Military. I am surprised that the Ex-h didn't go into it after our divorce, but.. I dunno..

uhhh... yeah. Went to Krispy Kreme... spent money I didn't really have.. because... I'm dumb like that.
Got the kids each a donut as a treat, EX didn't want one, I had one too, it was marginal. Sadly their machine was broken so we didn't get to watch the donuts being made and get the free original glazed they give out when the machine works! Those things are good fresh, honestly.. that was ALL I would have wanted, but I would have given the kids a donut even after that still. They did get little sample ice creams.. that was nice.

That was before Walmart. I took my meds there because there were lots of people and they were getting all impatient with these looks while the kids were.. being kids and having trouble deciding and I was scared that my son was going to run off because he was trying to be all over the place and.. geez..

... Alright.. I think I've been all over the place this entry. Maybe I can write something better tomorrow... or whenever I feel like I can write. I am not so sure about this cymbalta crap..
I'm not feeling the urge to do shit.

-Shattered