Yay brownie!

Finally got(made) brownies.
I only had one box of mix, and didn't have a 'proper' pan and I didn't want thin brownies... bleeeeh...

Anyway... before I get into that story.

Got the kids to bed, sat around reading more stuff that made me feel awful about how people look at people who suffer from BPD like I do. Guh "Take your kids and RUN AWAY!"
Seriously?? As if we have no chance to ever be better people with therapy and all that?

Sorry, but I am going to do whatever I can, as hard as it's going to be, to be a better person for myself, for the kids, for BF, for everyone I know as well. I don't want anyone to run away, I want to get better, I realize that I have problems. I see them, I don't like them, I am going to do whatever it takes to fix them no matter how painful that is!

Scared

Feeling better because of the medication makes everything else seem amplified. All the issues that I didn't notice so much because the depression really had me down and unable to really concentrate and really focus on things... just explode you know?

I feel like this disgustingly flawed, bad person, like I didn't realize just how awful I was because my depression masked it and here I am this ...... I don't even know.

I don't even know who that woman in the mirror is anymore! I don't know what she wants! I don't know where she's going! I don't want to be her! Because that's not me, I look at it... at HER and I don't know her.

Not so much.

I feel strange on these meds.
 I know that it's only really been two days and I need more time to really get the full effects of them and all that, but at times I just feel like I need to cry over things and I just can't. Though I can't tell you why I need to cry at random things other than the fact that doing so is just my 'norm'. Ew, god that is disgusting to say. My norm is to cry at random videos on YouTube, commercials that are insanely harmless to everyone but somehow can make me cry for... Hours?!

Cops and guns and holy shht!!

So the Ex got home from work super duper early and wanted me to come with him for errands because he wanted to get a new coat and wanted my opinion on what to get because he "has no fashion sense what so ever" in his words. Aww, flattery? :P Not sure, or maybe he just wanted me to get out of the house or something? Probably both, because he did indeed ask my opinion on every jacket/coat he was looking at. He ended up picking one that looks pretty good.

So okay, I'll go. I hadn't managed lunch yet, for anyone, no one had said they were hungry since everyone had had a rather late breakfast since it was a day off of school today despite being Friday. So he decides we'll go to lunch (I also got caught up doing homework and still had next to no appetite) so cool, we all get ready and we're just about to go when I grab the garbage bag from the trash can to get it outside. Nothing really out of the ordinary right?

Not so sure how I feel right now.

But I'm a bit out of sorts, having difficulty actually stringing words right now and talking or typing clearly.
I keep having to press the backspace to fix extreme typo's! Like a typo demon has permanently attached himself to me today!

I took the meds at 7:30 AM. So, about 3 hours and 26 minutes ago. I've decided I need to take them right when my second alarm goes off on the weekdays. Yes, I set myself three alarms and sometimes then have to set one another time, or snooze or something. Waking up is a process otherwise I just cannot handle doing it in the morning. I hate early morning so hard. Gah!