For everyone who comments. It feels good not to be alone in all of this!
It's hard, most days I feel cut off from the world despite having the internet right here and so easy to reach to. I feel so little connection with people at times, as if I am watching everything from behind a screen. Like I don't really exist in this world, it's all just a dream that I am watching everyone and everything.
05 May, 2011
04 May, 2011
"I want you to pledge to me"
"That you'll be okay this next week, that you'll keep on the fight, and not look for anything on the internet at all that you can kill yourself with,"
I found out today, that my therapist, is a former sufferer from BPD as well. 25 years ago she was diagnosed with it, and fought the long fight to be the amazing woman doing so many things that she is doing today. She raised four kids, as a single mother, and made it through college and runs her practice/business with 30 employees and is doing all sorts of amazing things!!
She told me that it has been years since she told anyone that story, and I feel honored that she trusts me enough to tell me that.
I found out today, that my therapist, is a former sufferer from BPD as well. 25 years ago she was diagnosed with it, and fought the long fight to be the amazing woman doing so many things that she is doing today. She raised four kids, as a single mother, and made it through college and runs her practice/business with 30 employees and is doing all sorts of amazing things!!
She told me that it has been years since she told anyone that story, and I feel honored that she trusts me enough to tell me that.
I'm trying... I'm trying!
I improve my mood.
So I worked out today.
The weather is sunny, and while there is no real way I am walking first thing in the morning.. Well actually. Maybe once the weather is good we'll start doing the first thing in the morning walking to school too. That might be a good way to wake up. Walk to school at 8am. @_@
I used to be able to do things like that, really I did! But my elementary school started at 9:00.. even though I was a crossing guard during, 5th or was it 6th grade? 6th.. whatever. So I had to be there before that...
So I worked out today.
The weather is sunny, and while there is no real way I am walking first thing in the morning.. Well actually. Maybe once the weather is good we'll start doing the first thing in the morning walking to school too. That might be a good way to wake up. Walk to school at 8am. @_@
I used to be able to do things like that, really I did! But my elementary school started at 9:00.. even though I was a crossing guard during, 5th or was it 6th grade? 6th.. whatever. So I had to be there before that...
03 May, 2011
Hard to be positive
When feeling so awful.
I am just, awful feeling.
I don't know of it's the meds not working right.
Or if I'm just going to be miserable even ON medication, but what gives?
I figure I will give it a full month on the 60MG before I tell the doctor, hey look.. this shit doesn't seem to be working.
But I can't help just feeling overwhelmed and done again. Nothing particularly awful has happened, I just feel done over. Buried! Stick a fork in me and allow me to be done because I just cannot deal with the pressures of life right this second.
I am stressed, I feel sick, I don't want to wake up, maybe Cymbalta isn't for me.
I have no idea, I am just in a horrid place.
I want to do impatient. Give me a 60 inpatient at that one place, help me move past this crap. Help me do better than I am doing with once a week therapy and the medicine dance while mostly on my own because I am seriously drowning here and if I research how to get my hands on things that could kill me again I am going to have to disconnect my internet!
What do I do at this point? I hurt inside and I want to get it out and the only way I've ever done that well is self harm and the hot shower just wasn't hot enough this morning to truly help with how much.. I... am.. hurting inside right now and I don't even know why but I can't get it to stop!!
-Shattered
I am just, awful feeling.
I don't know of it's the meds not working right.
Or if I'm just going to be miserable even ON medication, but what gives?
I figure I will give it a full month on the 60MG before I tell the doctor, hey look.. this shit doesn't seem to be working.
But I can't help just feeling overwhelmed and done again. Nothing particularly awful has happened, I just feel done over. Buried! Stick a fork in me and allow me to be done because I just cannot deal with the pressures of life right this second.
I am stressed, I feel sick, I don't want to wake up, maybe Cymbalta isn't for me.
I have no idea, I am just in a horrid place.
I want to do impatient. Give me a 60 inpatient at that one place, help me move past this crap. Help me do better than I am doing with once a week therapy and the medicine dance while mostly on my own because I am seriously drowning here and if I research how to get my hands on things that could kill me again I am going to have to disconnect my internet!
What do I do at this point? I hurt inside and I want to get it out and the only way I've ever done that well is self harm and the hot shower just wasn't hot enough this morning to truly help with how much.. I... am.. hurting inside right now and I don't even know why but I can't get it to stop!!
-Shattered
01 May, 2011
Want to be done.
Last night it seemed to be a sign.
TV was playing with my mind and beating me in the face! It was all going well enough, just minding my own business and there it was. What was might you ask? I was doing good watching random TV mostly. Untold Stories of the ER and stuff like that. Fascinating stuff that fuels those worst case scenarios and helps me cope somehow by focusing my inner pain towards myself into feeling pain and feelings for the stories I am watching. You know?
TV was playing with my mind and beating me in the face! It was all going well enough, just minding my own business and there it was. What was might you ask? I was doing good watching random TV mostly. Untold Stories of the ER and stuff like that. Fascinating stuff that fuels those worst case scenarios and helps me cope somehow by focusing my inner pain towards myself into feeling pain and feelings for the stories I am watching. You know?
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