Okay...

Dear Anxiety Meds....

Stop making me so tired that I have no choice but to nap.
Well it was either that or the fact that it took me far far too long to actually end up sleeping last night. I have no idea what it is, but I hate feeling tired. I will have to attempt to go out without any anxiety meds and do a day and see if I manage without feeling like sleeping. I have no idea what else it would be. *sigh*

Damned if I do damned if I don't?
Ugh, I have no idea what it is.

How else am I supposed to be able to manage the outside world? I either am too nervous that I panic out there, so it's next to unbearable. Or I am at least somewhat okay but then I get all exhausted. Stupid meds...

-Shattered

Worn thin.

That's what I am.
I finally told the kids that one of the reasons (the major reason), that I don't like spending time out of my room with them is that I feel do disrespected. They sigh, they roll their eyes, they argue, when it comes to taking care of their things and throwing away their own garbage. As if they expect that either one, a magically fairy will clean their messes or two that I am the one who has to clean them because I am not worth more than taking care of what they do not want to take care of themselves.

Thinking back..

I used to try and care on Mothers Day, even when I was 10. I would work to make some money and I'd buy something to know she'd like. Eventually, I stopped doing much. Because there was such a distance and a lack of anything between my mother and I. Our relationship is half there, sometimes it's there, other times it is just not. We talk more online than we do in face. Then again I have difficulties talking to lots of people face to face. I can hardly order at places or look at the check out clerks.

Phone calls and coffee.

There are very few people I am comfortable talking on the phone with. They're people I have known for long enough and have a certain comfort level with.
There are a total of TWO people who I have that comfort level with.

1.) The EX, because we pretty much talk every day. It's okay, because I do appreciate the adult contact and it's my connection with the world around here.. He works and is outside of the house pretty often, so that works for me... unless there's been a fight then there is that uncomfortable silence and I feel cut off from the entire universe.. Yes, even with the internet at large.

So with school.

It takes me a lot of emotional energy, and courage to call people. Even people I know.
I wont even call to order pizza. If I can't order it online, I wont order it. Period.
Sometimes, if I'm really pissed off about something I can call, but usually, I cannot call places. Yes, even school to talk about issues...

So anyway, I called and there was a no go on not taking summer quarter, it'd mess with my financial aid and I really want to avoid trouble as much as possible. What WAS possible though, was a work around. I get a 3 week 'summer vacation' right after I am done with my next class (Visual Indication, working with expensive ass markers and things). Okay, well that's not enough time for an unwind and refocus for me. So what we're doing is: Next quarter I am still going 1/2 time. But I am not taking a class in the first session of the quarter (quarters are broken in to two sessions at my school) and am instead taking two classes the second session.