Hard a work? Or hardly working?

Ugh, I feel like I am getting nowhere with anything about myself.
A lot of my time and talk in therapy lately is all about my son.
I know, I know, something about it all I guess. I know I need to focus on him a bit too, but I am wondering how far I can go with getting better than I can right now.
Who knows...

I am worn out a bit, though despite trying, I am not able to sleep well. Even with sleep medication, it's not really happening all to well.

I dunno, I don't even know what to say.

I'm frustrated with lots of things right now.
I can't believe I start school again... Granted it's only in like 18 days from now. That's still over two weeks.
I have no idea.
Just stressy and tired... I feel like I am going nowhere with a lot of things. I am just.. in generally... worn thin, and feeling crappy.

What do I do to feel better?

-Shattered

Did you know??

I'm a bitch!
Yes, that is what the ex called me about 40 minutes ago.
Why???
Because I dared to spend an hour and a half at my brothers birthday dinner, and put my phone on silence so he wouldn't call me every 30 minutes! Of course, he did try and call, and was all sorts of bitch-tastic at me.

Okay. Sorry that I asked you to watch your kid solo for the first time since, yanno, April?
FFS. It's been over 3 months! Spend some time alone with her and stop being a douche.

Whatever. -_-;

Kids and I all had therapy today.
Funny enough, my therapy revolved mostly around my son, and working out what kind of things we can do to help him. That's okay, because a fair bit of stress in my life relates to the challenges of him.

Hopefully, all goes well for him and us.
Right now, all I can do is pray right?

The other day, err.. Wednesday. I got new medication to help me sleep. My doctor thinks that I may be far better off once I can actually sleep. So she's actually got me on a sleep medication. Yes... we shall see. We're giving me a month of taking it for a week, trying a couple days without, taking it for a week, and then trying a couple days without and praying that it resets my poor awful hardly existent ability to sleep!

Other than that.. hmmmm, I had absolutely no real desire to eat at my brother's birthday dinner. It was just mom and dad, my youngest sister, my brother, and myself. Today my brother is 24. My own brother is older than my BF. Hehehehe. Oops? I dunno, I really can't be too fussed about it personally. >.>

Well okay, sometimes I can be.

Anyway, I did eventually eat, and managed to feel too full to finish. That's a good thing. I have't really felt full in a bit.

I've just sorta been, no real desire to eat or do much else.

Eh who knows, we shall see how things go.

Other than that, I really gotta get the youngest to sleep!

-Shattered

My Nightmares

Often involve my mother. Usually, she is not listening to me and leaves me defenseless in a situation where I am quickly overwhelmed. Much like my childhood. Where I was the misunderstood, unwanted 'black sheep' of the family. Despite striving my best to do my best for her, it was never enough to make me anything but that.

Even though my oldest sister started having sex with far older men at the age of 12, and even had her first abortion. I was the bad one.

I had another such dream last night.
Perhaps I feel bad because I did not adhere to my mothers request of coming over yesterday to hang out before going to get the kids? I felt like if I did go over there she'd put me to work painting or ripping up carpeting. Not exactly my ultimate feeling of a visit, is going and ripping up carpeting or getting roped into painting walls. More so on a Sunday.

My sleep is still pretty awful. Though last night I made it to bed shortly after 1:30AM, I was up again at 6:00AM with wicked pain from my tooth that needs the root canal. I still cannot afford it, and likely wont be able to anytime soon.

Yesterday, my desktop computer died. This is a BAD thing, as school starts on the 18th of August and I need my desk top for school. It is stronger than my laptop, and has the programs I need. Plus I just prefer to work with something that I don't have to place on my lap. Not that I mind my laptop, it allows me to be online where ever I can get access to wireless... it is just that I am very used to the comfort of my desktop, and I am frustrated to see it go kaput. I started it up yesterday, intent to sketch and then work one of my crappy low-paying work at home jobs once I got the kids to bed.. and not long later the computer froze.

After that, it will turn on and nothing else. Of course I did my usual routine of things that help it. Only to realize that I need a new CPU fan, and the Power Supply is not giving enough power. Thankfully, it is not something worse like the actual CPU, the hard drive (I would lose all my college work so far, all my pictures of the children, and my art!!), the Mobo or the video card.. but it is a frustrating loss none the less!

I am close to bashing my head against the wall in frustration.
Pain and suffering sleep does nothing to make my mood any better, and I am growing increasingly frustrated with life lately.

I found a job on CL that may just be right up my alley, the hours appear to be close to perfect, and it is not dealing face to face with people. It is working back in a stockroom for a shop, and you know.. I think I can do that. No possible customers to get in my face and yell, or sigh, or eyeroll, smack their lips, glare, shit like that? Yeah, it sounds good.

Oh, and another frustration, someone left a note on a previous entry, and.. I meant to click the link in email to allow the note. Instead, I accidentally clicked the delete, and there is no possible restore for the message!! Ugh!! I am frustrated and angry at myself!

After my 25 minutes up to take pain killers and use an ice pack on my face I managed to get back to sleep until 9. Then my son woke me up to ask if he could quietly play on the Wii, I said sure.. as long as it's quietly I don't care!

I got out of bed at 9:30AM to see the my second daughter putting dishes away from the dish washer.
Not only did the PUT them away, she reloaded and ran the dishwasher!! Awww. Some light for all the darkness lately.

-Shattered

Conversations while baking:

I was making cookies with the youngest, and while putting dough on one of the pans the following conversation took place.

Youngest: "Mommy where did you live when you were a little kid?"
Me: "California"
Youngest: "Oh! That's... Miles away!"
Me: "Yes, it is pretty far away..."
Youngest:"That means we couldn't see you!"
Me: "Well no, you weren't born yet."
Youngest: "Right! Because we were dead!"
Me: "Oh? So you decided to be born to me?"
Youngest:"Yes! I decided to come to you and be your cutest baby!"
Me: *tries not to laugh* "Oh really?"
Youngest:"Yeah! I was really cute when I was a baby!"
Me: "You're still cute now"
Youngest: "I'm beautiful too!"
Me: "Yes, yes you are."

Well, I know a certain someone with no current problems with her self esteem. :P

I wish I had her self esteem~!

In other news.. I am still in pain, and very close to being unable to pay bills. I'm stressed as hell about it.

So have no real words right now to cope...

-Shattered

Another infection

Not BF this time, actually it's me. I have another infected tooth, and somehow need to come up with $350 so that I can get a root canal done on it. That is the cheapest place local, and the cost to have it just removed and get a denture is about the same. So.. I guess I'd rather go with the low-income clinic and get the root canal. Honestly, if it was a tooth further back I wouldn't do it, but since it's one of the ones in the front.. Well, what can I do? I want it done, because the pain is driving me nuts.

I was in so much pain I got a total of four hours with a few minutes of sleep. That was it. I was up and trying whatever I could to stop the pain. I actually called the low income dentist to see how fast they could get me in. Luckily, there was a cancellation so they got me in for an exam today. I am in need of a fair few fillings, and found out.. of all things, they can pull my last wisdom tooth. Funny that before they said they couldn't? But now they can.. then again that was over the phone and perhaps they did not understand the situation. Still... they're cheaper even than the place I was using before.

Sadly, they do not take the little 'CareCredit' card thing I got. Which is a bummer needless to say!
So.. somehow?? I have to come up with $300. Great, I'm stressing bills as is, but I need my mouth to feel better because the pain is severely limiting my functioning when it destroys my sleep so completely!

So, I got a prescription for Antibiotics, they help make the pain not as bad... somehow. I am not sure why, but it works somewhat.
I also managed to call and get a month of samples of my Cymbalta while I wait for Ginger (lady who manages my free meds from the company that makes em..) to get the approval from R (who prescribes my meds) to go ahead and get me another 4 month supply or whatever I get I don't flipping know.

It was good to take a dose of meds today that was a complete dose. Though I am still paying the price of hurting myself. I am lucky my nails are FINALLY growing long, yet I hurt myself with them on purpose without realizing I am doing it and it's frustrating. I don't want to cut them off, I've wanted my nails to grow for YEARS now.

I am a fair bit extremely crazy stressed.
What is a good part time job to do when you do not handle people well? All I am finding is fast food and call center type work. Which is all work with a lot of contact with people. Even through the phone it's extremely hard! Night Janitor doesn't work because no one would be home with the children. Ideally I'd like to find something I can do during the hours they'd all be at school, or even find one that takes up hours that means that the youngest would need some kind of care the first half of the day until school starts. Whatever it is, I'd prefer not to have to work before they have school, or after. So, yes, I want to be limited to a job that wants me from I guess 9:30am to no later than 3PM. That's.. well hell I'd only manage part time anyway. I just need SOMETHING. Before I end up with us all living in my van.
Okay, no, that wont happen.

But I seriously do not know what to do with myself. @_@;

Maybe I could manage something like.. stock room or door greeter at Walmart. Something that doesn't.. I don't know, really require having to attempt to go out of my way serving people who will give me those looks. I got so many of those looks, that voice, that eyeroll. The one week I managed at McDonalds. Oh man, 20 minute-ish computer training and they threw me to the sharks on register!! I wasn't happy with that, at all. I was to ill-prepared and people could be so bitchy.

Blah!!
I can't sleep. I tried, but I couldn't shut down my brain. Still can't.
What AM I going to do with myself?