Fffffffffuckin'

I haven't had therapy for two weeks now, because Dr. L hasn't been there.
Just my luck huh?
I am going to probably tell her not to bother, and to take on my oldest just because I think at this point she needs it more. Or something. Or because I'm angry, and she can kiss my ass.

I'm also trying to get myself off of Cymbalta, on my own, all over again. Thinking maybe.. just maybe... what if maybe?? Lots of my crap is a magnesium deficiency? So.... I had to wonder that about the kids too! My son's ADHD, the moodiness of the girls and things??

So... I bought some magnesium, and we all had a SMALL dose today, a full dose is 2tsp, we all had 1/4tsp... yeah, though I did feel more calm and a bit more balanced during that part of the day, I am exhausted now. But it HAS been a long day!!!

Tomorrow, I will do 1/2tsp for me, and see how that goes. I think I will keep the kids on the 1/4 for a bit, and see how that does them?? I have no idea, I've read to use up to 200mg or whatever for a kid with ADHD, which.. would be 1.5tsp?? So.. maybe I'll... naw I am gonna go with 1/4 for a week for him, then 1/2?? for a week.. then 3/4.... for a week.. then the 1tsp... and see how he manages. :)

We'll see how we all do.

Assuming I don't die from Cymbalta withdrawal..

Fuck it...

I'm so done with lots of things lately and it's not even funny anymore.

I pulled away from just about everyone but BF and the EX....

Well the kids too..

I deleted all my friends outta my phone.
That was short lived.
Of course it was.

I'm full of shit

I didn't just meet FRIENDS.
I meant 'friends' just for the sake of having people to HAVE SEX WITH.
I've been driving out to a place in the middle of fucking nowhere to meet up with people I only knew online.
In the dark of night.
No cell service.
The first time NO ONE knew that I was going there.
Yes, I've been insanely reckless.

I've also been an emotional WRECK.
But I haven't told a fucking lick of it to Dr. L..
WHY?? Because everything has been dominated by making sure that my son gets well on his way into his journey.
She's all like "I don't think you have BPD" umm..
Lady you have NO idea the shit I've been going through that I haven't told you because I wanted to show this strong face to everyone so no one see's how broken I am in light of all the help my son needs..

I am going to tell her on Thursday..

She has no idea what I've been doing to myself and with myself..
Just the little scrap I've been throwing at her.

This'll be a shock to her..All the shit that I've been hiding even from here. Because I pulled away a lot from people in general.

Yes, even though I went and actively searched for people to have sex with.
Yes, that means I had my first experience with a woman, and I slept with a man I'd only known for a total of 4 face to face meetings and only two of those were one on one.

Stupid?
Yes!
Did it feel good?
Mostly..

The guy was far better than the girl.


Err, and YES my boyfriend knows. He knows every last inch of it and is encouraging and supportive despite it.

Watch me spiral out of control now.
I've crashed emotionally many times over the past two weeks.
It's stupid..
Fuck I'm in such a fucking spot I don't even fucking know and I have fucking no one..

-Shattered

exploration

It's a hard thing.
I want to explore who I am but at the same time I'm too scared of being who I am.
I know I am going to therapy to 'fix' myself, but at the same time I don't want to fix certain aspects of myself that I am comfortable with. I just, want to live with them, and have that be that. I don't want to 'suffer' from them, I want to embrace them.
I took my antidepressants late this morning, and at this moment I'm in an unhappy head space where I feel a little.. okay perhaps a lot..
Lost and alone..

I made friends...

I had an adventure the last week really.
I made friends!
I drove clear outta the way to go to Karaoke with a group of people I met online. This was last Friday night.
I was nervously scared and shy at first, but eventually they were able to draw me in.
Then, I met up one on one with two of them over the course of the week. Yes, indeed. I actually did!
It was lovely, and we talked lots via text and that was lovely too.

Yesterday evening, a severely harsh fight with the ex shook me down to the core and left my confidence completely shattered. I had to wonder if I was even on my medication because I handled myself so badly that signs pointed to me having forgotten to take it, but I remember taking it because yesterday I opened a new bottle!

I guess I was just being hyper-reactive and emotional. Then again... he was his typical douche self to my son. Ugh!!

So, I tried pulling away from friends a little, because I just didn't feel good and safe and felt very.... very.... sad.. weak.. and unwanted.

Right now, I am still a little shaken.
I'm exhausted!

I got woken up at 8AM. @_@;; If it wasn't for the fact that my niece is here I would have told the kids to go the heck back to sleep, but I can't do that when we have company.

Meh..
I am gonna listen to music and clean up my room.
I am FINALLY GOING TO GET MY FREAKING COMPUTER PLACED IN MY OFFICE AND OUT OF MY BEDROOM!! Yes! Yes I really am!

-Shattered

Nightmares abound

I'm sorry I've been so quiet, life has just been really busy since my son started PSR, we have therapy on Thursdays, aside from the oldest who has it on Fridays. The kids all started school and I have gone a 'little' crazy with enjoying the me time I get now that even the youngest is in school 3 hours a day!

On top of that, I've had this cold/flu thing that has been bogging me down, and anyplace from 6-9 homework assignments every week! So I've been a bit overwhelmed with lots of life.

On top of that, when I am sick I get the most insane nightmares/dreams that feel SO REAL I can't help but dwell on them after I wake up. Trying to analyze each little piece and the thing as a whole to see if there is SOMETHING within there that I need to be paying attention to in order to change something within my life and myself in order to make things... well... more in sync and peaceful?

Take for instance the dream I had the other night, my second daughter wanted to move in with her dad and his girlfriend, who suddenly had lost a good 200lbs, dyed her hair dark, straightened it's poodle-y fluffy craziness and was gangsta! Then they wanted to kill me for some reason and it was just absolutely nuts.

Last nights... I am still not sure, it involved the laundry room of the apartment building I lived in for many many years, and a lot of things that 'were mine' but weren't things that I ever really had, just things that I've REALLY REALLY wanted over the years. Perhaps it's a sign that I should just allow myself some things that I really want, make some peace with my past, and try and enjoy life more?

There was also this female cat, with kittens. One kitten was pure white, they were all these long haired cats. Reminds me of the cat that died in my arms when I was pregnant with my oldest, at least somewhat. Since the rest were the beautiful tortoise shell type colors he was, but he also had a white tummy area. I loved that cat..

Anyway, the white one had this injury on it's right leg, about in the middle, a hole that at first just looked a little agitated.. but eventually was very puss-y (not 'pussy' as in puss, with lots of it?) and bloody, and it was awful. However for some reason there was nothing I could do, it was the middle of the night and I didn't know what an emergency vet could do? So I resorted to caring for it myself, and then making sure to feed the cats and promising to come in there and feed them every day even though I live a good 45 minutes away from there now, in a different state and city entirely..

I'm still not sure what it all means..
I wish I had some clue though..

-Shattered