It's a hard thing.
I want to explore who I am but at the same time I'm too scared of being who I am.
I know I am going to therapy to 'fix' myself, but at the same time I don't want to fix certain aspects of myself that I am comfortable with. I just, want to live with them, and have that be that. I don't want to 'suffer' from them, I want to embrace them.
I took my antidepressants late this morning, and at this moment I'm in an unhappy head space where I feel a little.. okay perhaps a lot..
Lost and alone..
25 September, 2011
24 September, 2011
I made friends...
I had an adventure the last week really.
I made friends!
I drove clear outta the way to go to Karaoke with a group of people I met online. This was last Friday night.
I was nervously scared and shy at first, but eventually they were able to draw me in.
Then, I met up one on one with two of them over the course of the week. Yes, indeed. I actually did!
It was lovely, and we talked lots via text and that was lovely too.
Yesterday evening, a severely harsh fight with the ex shook me down to the core and left my confidence completely shattered. I had to wonder if I was even on my medication because I handled myself so badly that signs pointed to me having forgotten to take it, but I remember taking it because yesterday I opened a new bottle!
I guess I was just being hyper-reactive and emotional. Then again... he was his typical douche self to my son. Ugh!!
So, I tried pulling away from friends a little, because I just didn't feel good and safe and felt very.... very.... sad.. weak.. and unwanted.
Right now, I am still a little shaken.
I'm exhausted!
I got woken up at 8AM. @_@;; If it wasn't for the fact that my niece is here I would have told the kids to go the heck back to sleep, but I can't do that when we have company.
Meh..
I am gonna listen to music and clean up my room.
I am FINALLY GOING TO GET MY FREAKING COMPUTER PLACED IN MY OFFICE AND OUT OF MY BEDROOM!! Yes! Yes I really am!
-Shattered
I made friends!
I drove clear outta the way to go to Karaoke with a group of people I met online. This was last Friday night.
I was nervously scared and shy at first, but eventually they were able to draw me in.
Then, I met up one on one with two of them over the course of the week. Yes, indeed. I actually did!
It was lovely, and we talked lots via text and that was lovely too.
Yesterday evening, a severely harsh fight with the ex shook me down to the core and left my confidence completely shattered. I had to wonder if I was even on my medication because I handled myself so badly that signs pointed to me having forgotten to take it, but I remember taking it because yesterday I opened a new bottle!
I guess I was just being hyper-reactive and emotional. Then again... he was his typical douche self to my son. Ugh!!
So, I tried pulling away from friends a little, because I just didn't feel good and safe and felt very.... very.... sad.. weak.. and unwanted.
Right now, I am still a little shaken.
I'm exhausted!
I got woken up at 8AM. @_@;; If it wasn't for the fact that my niece is here I would have told the kids to go the heck back to sleep, but I can't do that when we have company.
Meh..
I am gonna listen to music and clean up my room.
I am FINALLY GOING TO GET MY FREAKING COMPUTER PLACED IN MY OFFICE AND OUT OF MY BEDROOM!! Yes! Yes I really am!
-Shattered
12 September, 2011
Nightmares abound
I'm sorry I've been so quiet, life has just been really busy since my son started PSR, we have therapy on Thursdays, aside from the oldest who has it on Fridays. The kids all started school and I have gone a 'little' crazy with enjoying the me time I get now that even the youngest is in school 3 hours a day!
On top of that, I've had this cold/flu thing that has been bogging me down, and anyplace from 6-9 homework assignments every week! So I've been a bit overwhelmed with lots of life.
On top of that, when I am sick I get the most insane nightmares/dreams that feel SO REAL I can't help but dwell on them after I wake up. Trying to analyze each little piece and the thing as a whole to see if there is SOMETHING within there that I need to be paying attention to in order to change something within my life and myself in order to make things... well... more in sync and peaceful?
Take for instance the dream I had the other night, my second daughter wanted to move in with her dad and his girlfriend, who suddenly had lost a good 200lbs, dyed her hair dark, straightened it's poodle-y fluffy craziness and was gangsta! Then they wanted to kill me for some reason and it was just absolutely nuts.
Last nights... I am still not sure, it involved the laundry room of the apartment building I lived in for many many years, and a lot of things that 'were mine' but weren't things that I ever really had, just things that I've REALLY REALLY wanted over the years. Perhaps it's a sign that I should just allow myself some things that I really want, make some peace with my past, and try and enjoy life more?
There was also this female cat, with kittens. One kitten was pure white, they were all these long haired cats. Reminds me of the cat that died in my arms when I was pregnant with my oldest, at least somewhat. Since the rest were the beautiful tortoise shell type colors he was, but he also had a white tummy area. I loved that cat..
Anyway, the white one had this injury on it's right leg, about in the middle, a hole that at first just looked a little agitated.. but eventually was very puss-y (not 'pussy' as in puss, with lots of it?) and bloody, and it was awful. However for some reason there was nothing I could do, it was the middle of the night and I didn't know what an emergency vet could do? So I resorted to caring for it myself, and then making sure to feed the cats and promising to come in there and feed them every day even though I live a good 45 minutes away from there now, in a different state and city entirely..
I'm still not sure what it all means..
I wish I had some clue though..
-Shattered
On top of that, I've had this cold/flu thing that has been bogging me down, and anyplace from 6-9 homework assignments every week! So I've been a bit overwhelmed with lots of life.
On top of that, when I am sick I get the most insane nightmares/dreams that feel SO REAL I can't help but dwell on them after I wake up. Trying to analyze each little piece and the thing as a whole to see if there is SOMETHING within there that I need to be paying attention to in order to change something within my life and myself in order to make things... well... more in sync and peaceful?
Take for instance the dream I had the other night, my second daughter wanted to move in with her dad and his girlfriend, who suddenly had lost a good 200lbs, dyed her hair dark, straightened it's poodle-y fluffy craziness and was gangsta! Then they wanted to kill me for some reason and it was just absolutely nuts.
Last nights... I am still not sure, it involved the laundry room of the apartment building I lived in for many many years, and a lot of things that 'were mine' but weren't things that I ever really had, just things that I've REALLY REALLY wanted over the years. Perhaps it's a sign that I should just allow myself some things that I really want, make some peace with my past, and try and enjoy life more?
There was also this female cat, with kittens. One kitten was pure white, they were all these long haired cats. Reminds me of the cat that died in my arms when I was pregnant with my oldest, at least somewhat. Since the rest were the beautiful tortoise shell type colors he was, but he also had a white tummy area. I loved that cat..
Anyway, the white one had this injury on it's right leg, about in the middle, a hole that at first just looked a little agitated.. but eventually was very puss-y (not 'pussy' as in puss, with lots of it?) and bloody, and it was awful. However for some reason there was nothing I could do, it was the middle of the night and I didn't know what an emergency vet could do? So I resorted to caring for it myself, and then making sure to feed the cats and promising to come in there and feed them every day even though I live a good 45 minutes away from there now, in a different state and city entirely..
I'm still not sure what it all means..
I wish I had some clue though..
-Shattered
31 August, 2011
Not much to say..
Tomorrow, by help of my BF, I get to finally get a root canal.
My tooth has made it hard to sleep, I wake up with the Ibuprofen wears off to take more and then pass back out in an Ibuprofen induced head-fog.. I wake up feeling like hell.
My brain still races at night, the sleep medication was no match for the racing of my brain nor the pain in my mouth.
My son started PSR yesterday. PSR being Psycho-social Rehabilitation.
Yet I am still considering perhaps he DOES need medication.
I do love him, but dear gods with his issues I hate the way he acts.. It's one of the worst parts of every day.
I dread school starting, but pray for it at the same time.
I am worried they're going to have so many problems with him that he'll be in the office or getting in trouble left and right.
Based solely off of all the problems he has here at home, and with his dad.
I still hate Cymbalta..
I cancelled an appointment about the sleep meds not working because I wanted to wait until this tooth is taken care of and see if that improves my sleep at all.
I am going to be asked to get taken off of Cymbalta.
The only thing it does it make me less violent, and cry at less things.
Other than that.. I still have no energy, little interest, and overall meh for day to day and things in general.
Basically.. I'm still a mess, just not AS much of one.
That's not good enough.
I want some kind of.. I want something else.
I want more than this shit.
I don't even know..
-Shattered
My tooth has made it hard to sleep, I wake up with the Ibuprofen wears off to take more and then pass back out in an Ibuprofen induced head-fog.. I wake up feeling like hell.
My brain still races at night, the sleep medication was no match for the racing of my brain nor the pain in my mouth.
My son started PSR yesterday. PSR being Psycho-social Rehabilitation.
Yet I am still considering perhaps he DOES need medication.
I do love him, but dear gods with his issues I hate the way he acts.. It's one of the worst parts of every day.
I dread school starting, but pray for it at the same time.
I am worried they're going to have so many problems with him that he'll be in the office or getting in trouble left and right.
Based solely off of all the problems he has here at home, and with his dad.
I still hate Cymbalta..
I cancelled an appointment about the sleep meds not working because I wanted to wait until this tooth is taken care of and see if that improves my sleep at all.
I am going to be asked to get taken off of Cymbalta.
The only thing it does it make me less violent, and cry at less things.
Other than that.. I still have no energy, little interest, and overall meh for day to day and things in general.
Basically.. I'm still a mess, just not AS much of one.
That's not good enough.
I want some kind of.. I want something else.
I want more than this shit.
I don't even know..
-Shattered
16 August, 2011
Stuffed up
I realize, that is what Cymbalta does.
It mostly stuffs up my ability to cry, or get easily upset when someone (ex's, people in general) try and say things to hurt my feelings.
Or they yell at me.
It stuffs it up, I feel.. neutral. There is no need for crying, or getting mad. It's just. Whatever.
Is that a NORMAL thing to feel?
I am so used to being upset SO SO easily, that not being upset SO easily.. is...
Beyond me really.
Or I'll feel hurt, but there wont be that insane flood of tears and chaos.
Of course, I thought maybe I was just doing better. So I tried not taking my meds.
Hahahaha, it was okay the first day. Come the second? Oh yeah, that overly emotional BS self came back, and I felt like hell. It made working this part time job I got here at home.. pretty much unbearable. I sat there and cried while on the phone, but still forced a smile to my face and made it through calls. I got my meds in my system but they took a little.
Fuck..
I guess I have to be on these forever??
I don't want to be.
I want to feel happier though. On top of it all. I want to be able to feel happiness and not just this.. Meh. Who cares feeling.
What do I do? :(
I guess I'll have to go back and look at different meds and finding out how you even wean off of Cymbalta?
I don't even know anymore..
On another note, I've managed to keep this job a week and a day now. Woo? I HAVE wanted to quit. The day that my body and my emotions were hell from being off my meds, I thought I'm not doing this anymore!! NO MORE!!
Yet I did anyway.
I made it back the next day, and okay. I can manage, somehow. I will make it through this and be okay.
Somehow..
Ugh!
I start school again in two days.
Lets see if this mess of myself.. can even survive it!
It mostly stuffs up my ability to cry, or get easily upset when someone (ex's, people in general) try and say things to hurt my feelings.
Or they yell at me.
It stuffs it up, I feel.. neutral. There is no need for crying, or getting mad. It's just. Whatever.
Is that a NORMAL thing to feel?
I am so used to being upset SO SO easily, that not being upset SO easily.. is...
Beyond me really.
Or I'll feel hurt, but there wont be that insane flood of tears and chaos.
Of course, I thought maybe I was just doing better. So I tried not taking my meds.
Hahahaha, it was okay the first day. Come the second? Oh yeah, that overly emotional BS self came back, and I felt like hell. It made working this part time job I got here at home.. pretty much unbearable. I sat there and cried while on the phone, but still forced a smile to my face and made it through calls. I got my meds in my system but they took a little.
Fuck..
I guess I have to be on these forever??
I don't want to be.
I want to feel happier though. On top of it all. I want to be able to feel happiness and not just this.. Meh. Who cares feeling.
What do I do? :(
I guess I'll have to go back and look at different meds and finding out how you even wean off of Cymbalta?
I don't even know anymore..
On another note, I've managed to keep this job a week and a day now. Woo? I HAVE wanted to quit. The day that my body and my emotions were hell from being off my meds, I thought I'm not doing this anymore!! NO MORE!!
Yet I did anyway.
I made it back the next day, and okay. I can manage, somehow. I will make it through this and be okay.
Somehow..
Ugh!
I start school again in two days.
Lets see if this mess of myself.. can even survive it!
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