What you look like?
I find that if I do not remind myself to look in the mirror, I forget what I look like.
The length of my hair, the size of my nose, how my cheekbones are. The shape of my eyebrows, the exact color of my hair, aside from what I can see of it... Things like that.
I forget things like that..
So, when I am sitting here at my computer desk (a place I haven't sat much lately. I've spent more time on my laptop than desktop since summer started), I leave my bathroom door open so that I can glance over from time to time to make sure that.. I don't forget who I look like.
Even if I feel oddly misplaced in who is right there.
I got the kids from the ex-h yesterday, and it seems my son has picked up a rather unfortunate habit from the ex-h's girlfriends daughter. Screaming, yelling, and getting absolutely pissed about the smallest thing. Of course he (son) was tired as all get out yesterday, so our dinner was a bit rough as the EX was being a giant douche about the smallest of things. He was literally arguing with a tired, ADHD, 6 year old who was emotionally out of control and hungry (ex-h does not feed the kids well, they always come back extremely hungry!). So.... the poor kiddo ended up having multiple meltdowns. RIGHT THERE in the restaurant. This is NOT typical of my son. He does not often burst into hysteric tears like this. Unless he's extremely tired and completely overwhelmed. So...
Why does the EX HAVE to agitate him so much? Why does he pick battles with a 6 year old?!
I'm.. so... heart broken over how he treats him.
Why can't he attempt to have a bit more compassion? I dread having to pick up the kids because of the drama it causes if I don't want him to go with me to get them. I dread going with him because he tends to pick these fights with a little child!
-Shattered
13 July, 2011
10 July, 2011
What I found
That I shouldn't have..
____________________________________________
Maybe I should start with how therapy went this week.
I told Dr. L how it went with the EX and she told me I seemed happier because the kids were gone for a visit. What the fuck ever. She didn't see me last week when they were here, I was fine last week too. So, what the hell ever.
*sigh*
Okay, aside from that. Not a whole ton going on right now other than that. Not a whole lot really. It's typical..... me not doing much.
So today the youngest and I built my drawing desk. Yes, finally. I got it before or actually right after my last class started and that was awhile ago. Since I'm still on my extended break.
After that, which was harder than hell and hurt my hands a fair bit. But it's done, and looks great. I really want to get my computer and desk in there and make my office and office.
Then we did some laundry, then I cleared off the kitchen counters, and scrubbed them down a fair bit. They look nice. A bit more work to do, so, I'll get there. We'll get there. We'll see.
Um.. okay.
So what I found?
The EX asked me to go into the office and check through something he left there for something. I found this little journal thing, and... Oh.. I snooped. Even worse I read it while he was on the phone with me! But he didn't know. He didn't seem to even recognize it when he got here hours upon hours later to get the things.
Some of it was just writing of stories. Some of it was emotional stuff where he blames BF for things that he didn't do originally. As in, the reason that he and I aren't together was because of BF. Actually, BF was just my friend when he called off the wedding and that was the end. After that, we never repaired things well enough and it just fell apart.
Anyway, I read it and I felt a bit awful for him. Then again, it's the same stuff he yelled at me. The same not taking any blame for any of all of the situation.
Later though, a later writing because he hates himself. I feel bad. The writings have to be months upon months old though. Considering he's been moved out since February, and it's now almost Mid-July.
*sigh*
Anyway...
Other than that, I have.... had the most horrific time sleeping lately. It takes forever, and if I fall asleep before 2AM I wake up around 5 or 530AM.. Then I am up for an hour, and then I don't wake up until anyplace between 10:40am and 11:40am.
Today I wanted to wake up at 9am. It was then that I couldn't fall asleep until nearly 5AM.
Damn. So today I was up at 11:20 AM only because some door to door church guy came to my door, the youngest came to my room (I have no idea how long she was up) and by the time we got to the door, they'd just slipped the little pamphlet through. Oh well..
*sigh* So I refused to take my anti-depressants. Thinking, you know what??Taking it come noon is making it hard to sleep.
My head hurts something fierce. I am playing with fire here, but right now. I need to play with fire so I can get myself on a decent track and stop this suffering.
Also, I've spent time watching things like Hoarders, and various little documentaries, and right now I am watching Obsessed. Some of these shows really make me feel better. I feel less alone, I feel more normal compared to some of the people. Which is awful to admit, but feeling 'more normal' than someone else, helps me feel less 'out there, like a stupid freak' and things like that.
*sigh*
Anyway, I am giving myself only an hour more right now, and then I will head to bed.
-Shattered
____________________________________________
Maybe I should start with how therapy went this week.
I told Dr. L how it went with the EX and she told me I seemed happier because the kids were gone for a visit. What the fuck ever. She didn't see me last week when they were here, I was fine last week too. So, what the hell ever.
*sigh*
Okay, aside from that. Not a whole ton going on right now other than that. Not a whole lot really. It's typical..... me not doing much.
So today the youngest and I built my drawing desk. Yes, finally. I got it before or actually right after my last class started and that was awhile ago. Since I'm still on my extended break.
After that, which was harder than hell and hurt my hands a fair bit. But it's done, and looks great. I really want to get my computer and desk in there and make my office and office.
Then we did some laundry, then I cleared off the kitchen counters, and scrubbed them down a fair bit. They look nice. A bit more work to do, so, I'll get there. We'll get there. We'll see.
Um.. okay.
So what I found?
The EX asked me to go into the office and check through something he left there for something. I found this little journal thing, and... Oh.. I snooped. Even worse I read it while he was on the phone with me! But he didn't know. He didn't seem to even recognize it when he got here hours upon hours later to get the things.
Some of it was just writing of stories. Some of it was emotional stuff where he blames BF for things that he didn't do originally. As in, the reason that he and I aren't together was because of BF. Actually, BF was just my friend when he called off the wedding and that was the end. After that, we never repaired things well enough and it just fell apart.
Anyway, I read it and I felt a bit awful for him. Then again, it's the same stuff he yelled at me. The same not taking any blame for any of all of the situation.
Later though, a later writing because he hates himself. I feel bad. The writings have to be months upon months old though. Considering he's been moved out since February, and it's now almost Mid-July.
*sigh*
Anyway...
Other than that, I have.... had the most horrific time sleeping lately. It takes forever, and if I fall asleep before 2AM I wake up around 5 or 530AM.. Then I am up for an hour, and then I don't wake up until anyplace between 10:40am and 11:40am.
Today I wanted to wake up at 9am. It was then that I couldn't fall asleep until nearly 5AM.
Damn. So today I was up at 11:20 AM only because some door to door church guy came to my door, the youngest came to my room (I have no idea how long she was up) and by the time we got to the door, they'd just slipped the little pamphlet through. Oh well..
*sigh* So I refused to take my anti-depressants. Thinking, you know what??Taking it come noon is making it hard to sleep.
My head hurts something fierce. I am playing with fire here, but right now. I need to play with fire so I can get myself on a decent track and stop this suffering.
Also, I've spent time watching things like Hoarders, and various little documentaries, and right now I am watching Obsessed. Some of these shows really make me feel better. I feel less alone, I feel more normal compared to some of the people. Which is awful to admit, but feeling 'more normal' than someone else, helps me feel less 'out there, like a stupid freak' and things like that.
*sigh*
Anyway, I am giving myself only an hour more right now, and then I will head to bed.
-Shattered
05 July, 2011
A kick in the face
So today the Ex-h came to get the kids.
I told him about DS's ADHD diagnosis and he goes off about how he doesn't believe that ADHD exists and that all DS needs is more rules and more strictness. Basically, "If you're a bad boy, we're cutting your hair" because DS wants to grow his hair long enough to get a ponytail. So it's at an awkward stage and all that..
Then, THEN he says that before even thinking about drugs I should just make DS go live with him for a year, go to school there, basically uproot him from being with me.. and his three sisters so he can "learn how much he wants to be with you and them and how much he misses all of you".. Seriously?!
So.. he goes on and on and says some things about me and medication and my own issues and all of this jazz and how maybe it's just better if I give him custody of the oldest 3 until I am done with school and have a good job. You know in about 3-4 years. Say.. what??
Basically.. ADHD is BS. No meds, more harshness. Don't allow him to have something psychical but unharmful to anyone (long hair), if he can't be a "GOOD BOY" *sigh*
I'm upset like crazy.. I am just heart broken. I am just so hurt that.. basically he thinks that DS just sucks because I haven't given him enough discipline!! I mean.. what?! I've tried so hard to discipline DS right, I've tried the same things as the girls, I've tried different things as the girls, I've tried so many things and have met with lots and lots of frustration and heartache! I have been trying to handle all of this for years my absolute best like this. And he wants to say that it's NOT real!?? I mean.. what else is this? I'm just awful? My son needs ripped from me and his sisters, his hair needs hacked off, and he basically needs nothing but a chair and a bed and to be treated like he's in a boot camp or something??
:(
-Shattered
I told him about DS's ADHD diagnosis and he goes off about how he doesn't believe that ADHD exists and that all DS needs is more rules and more strictness. Basically, "If you're a bad boy, we're cutting your hair" because DS wants to grow his hair long enough to get a ponytail. So it's at an awkward stage and all that..
Then, THEN he says that before even thinking about drugs I should just make DS go live with him for a year, go to school there, basically uproot him from being with me.. and his three sisters so he can "learn how much he wants to be with you and them and how much he misses all of you".. Seriously?!
So.. he goes on and on and says some things about me and medication and my own issues and all of this jazz and how maybe it's just better if I give him custody of the oldest 3 until I am done with school and have a good job. You know in about 3-4 years. Say.. what??
Basically.. ADHD is BS. No meds, more harshness. Don't allow him to have something psychical but unharmful to anyone (long hair), if he can't be a "GOOD BOY" *sigh*
I'm upset like crazy.. I am just heart broken. I am just so hurt that.. basically he thinks that DS just sucks because I haven't given him enough discipline!! I mean.. what?! I've tried so hard to discipline DS right, I've tried the same things as the girls, I've tried different things as the girls, I've tried so many things and have met with lots and lots of frustration and heartache! I have been trying to handle all of this for years my absolute best like this. And he wants to say that it's NOT real!?? I mean.. what else is this? I'm just awful? My son needs ripped from me and his sisters, his hair needs hacked off, and he basically needs nothing but a chair and a bed and to be treated like he's in a boot camp or something??
:(
-Shattered
03 July, 2011
I don't wanna be here! I wanna go home!!
Yet another Wal-mart run in the past couple of days... and yet again I panicked out.
I was trying to go to the bathroom today and some guy nearly rammed his cart against me! He saw me there, I made sure no one was moving and then he comes right out me! So I hide against the wall out of the way and put my hands over my face. An older man sitting there in an electric wheeled-cart and goes to EX "Someone's tired" when I did it and EX had noticed and came over to make sure I was okay.
Ex said yeah and she has pretty bad anxiety. Guh... I felt embarrassed. I whimpered about that guy was going to hit me and he saw me but he was coming right at me with his cart and I was tired and it was too much and I just didn't wanna be there anymore and I wanted to go home!!!
At that point, we'd already been at the park for an hour while the kids played at the water pad, then we went to Wal-mart, right as we got there I get a call from DD1's phone... hmm k? So she butt-dialed me but I answered anyway to have a man say oh yeah we found this phone. Gah!! so we go all the way back to the park and I have to get out to get the phone and then EX gives me money so I have to run and go give the money to the people as a thank you. By then I'm already worn out because my son really needs something and this herbal stuff to help with ADHD I have does not do much at all I've noticed.. so I'm hyper alert because he can just go and doesn't think too well about running clear off and I didn't want him running off with this little boy he was playing with and it was stressful as sin.
I also forgot a lot of things I was supposed to get. Diet Coke and Mentos for tomorrow.. ugh how could I forget?! that and fireworks... How do I forget fireworks for the 4th?! Hopefully some places will still have some little stuff that kids will like during the day for tomorrow.. I may need another anxiety med or two but they make me need a nap and I.. indeed did crash on the couch today for .. I don't know how long but thankfully the kids had a 'snacky' dinner tonight so.. it was.. easy/okay? *sigh*
I am worn thin, all the doctors appointments lately are wearing me out and I really know that these anti-depressants don't appear to be doing too much at all. So I guess, it's about time to go in and say "I really don't think this is right" all over again. I'm so bummed, but I just am not dong so well on this at all and I need... I need.. something because I've noticed I've been hurting myself lately and not even realizing it until I am aching a lot! I am hurting myself with my nails and just doing it without realizing it until EX notices it and then he takes my hands and just tells me to squeeze his really tightly. :(
I'm falling apart and not handling myself well. The things with the kids the past week and all the doctor stuff is really weighing me down and I am just.. falling apart as if you'd expect a 3 or 4 year old to deal with all of this information. I also got a sunburn despite wearing SPF 50!! Two days in a row and now I hurt. I took the kids to the lake yesterday for about an hour and a half.. I am just.. *sigh* worn out.
Tomorrow is going to be a lot! We'll be outside a lot of the day, snacking on a fruit tray, a veggie tray, and a meat, cheese and cracker tray during the day. Then we'll be having grilled foods, then ice cream sundaes and s'mores to also celebrate my son's birthday... yes.. all this time later. It'll be good to give him all his presents aside from the DS lite I gave him (it was listed as 'broken' but all it needed was a battery charging, score!), and the game that BF gave him. EX has a DS lite game for him too, as well as a nerf sword and shield set since he's really set on dressing up as Link from the Zelda series.. well actually it's a shield with a dagger, I couldn't count that tiny thing as a sword. Then there is the present I got him from the girls, a little tank that comes with the thing for free tadpoles to watch them grow into frogs. I think he'll really like that.
I am exhausted, I am overwhelmed. Blessedly the EX bought me my favorite coffee today and that made me feel better. Sadly, I was so out of it that I fell asleep before I actually finished it today!! But I did finish it when I woke up. *lesigh*
Okay... that's good for now.
I will update after tomorrow, I guess, just to see how I manage.
-Shattered
I was trying to go to the bathroom today and some guy nearly rammed his cart against me! He saw me there, I made sure no one was moving and then he comes right out me! So I hide against the wall out of the way and put my hands over my face. An older man sitting there in an electric wheeled-cart and goes to EX "Someone's tired" when I did it and EX had noticed and came over to make sure I was okay.
Ex said yeah and she has pretty bad anxiety. Guh... I felt embarrassed. I whimpered about that guy was going to hit me and he saw me but he was coming right at me with his cart and I was tired and it was too much and I just didn't wanna be there anymore and I wanted to go home!!!
At that point, we'd already been at the park for an hour while the kids played at the water pad, then we went to Wal-mart, right as we got there I get a call from DD1's phone... hmm k? So she butt-dialed me but I answered anyway to have a man say oh yeah we found this phone. Gah!! so we go all the way back to the park and I have to get out to get the phone and then EX gives me money so I have to run and go give the money to the people as a thank you. By then I'm already worn out because my son really needs something and this herbal stuff to help with ADHD I have does not do much at all I've noticed.. so I'm hyper alert because he can just go and doesn't think too well about running clear off and I didn't want him running off with this little boy he was playing with and it was stressful as sin.
I also forgot a lot of things I was supposed to get. Diet Coke and Mentos for tomorrow.. ugh how could I forget?! that and fireworks... How do I forget fireworks for the 4th?! Hopefully some places will still have some little stuff that kids will like during the day for tomorrow.. I may need another anxiety med or two but they make me need a nap and I.. indeed did crash on the couch today for .. I don't know how long but thankfully the kids had a 'snacky' dinner tonight so.. it was.. easy/okay? *sigh*
I am worn thin, all the doctors appointments lately are wearing me out and I really know that these anti-depressants don't appear to be doing too much at all. So I guess, it's about time to go in and say "I really don't think this is right" all over again. I'm so bummed, but I just am not dong so well on this at all and I need... I need.. something because I've noticed I've been hurting myself lately and not even realizing it until I am aching a lot! I am hurting myself with my nails and just doing it without realizing it until EX notices it and then he takes my hands and just tells me to squeeze his really tightly. :(
I'm falling apart and not handling myself well. The things with the kids the past week and all the doctor stuff is really weighing me down and I am just.. falling apart as if you'd expect a 3 or 4 year old to deal with all of this information. I also got a sunburn despite wearing SPF 50!! Two days in a row and now I hurt. I took the kids to the lake yesterday for about an hour and a half.. I am just.. *sigh* worn out.
Tomorrow is going to be a lot! We'll be outside a lot of the day, snacking on a fruit tray, a veggie tray, and a meat, cheese and cracker tray during the day. Then we'll be having grilled foods, then ice cream sundaes and s'mores to also celebrate my son's birthday... yes.. all this time later. It'll be good to give him all his presents aside from the DS lite I gave him (it was listed as 'broken' but all it needed was a battery charging, score!), and the game that BF gave him. EX has a DS lite game for him too, as well as a nerf sword and shield set since he's really set on dressing up as Link from the Zelda series.. well actually it's a shield with a dagger, I couldn't count that tiny thing as a sword. Then there is the present I got him from the girls, a little tank that comes with the thing for free tadpoles to watch them grow into frogs. I think he'll really like that.
I am exhausted, I am overwhelmed. Blessedly the EX bought me my favorite coffee today and that made me feel better. Sadly, I was so out of it that I fell asleep before I actually finished it today!! But I did finish it when I woke up. *lesigh*
Okay... that's good for now.
I will update after tomorrow, I guess, just to see how I manage.
-Shattered
02 July, 2011
No idea for a title
Poor Dr. L was sick yesterday. So I didn't get to see her.. wait.. Thursday. I guess at this point Yesterday was Friday.
So.. I got to sit around the waiting room.
I did talk to my son's therapist/counselor about what he saw..
He see's the ADHD, he see's the ODD. But says the ODD is mild and that they should be able to work on it. He agree's about looking into medication for the ADHD, as well as working on having a set schedule and other things..
I've been more gentle with him (son) since finding out. How can I not be? I have an actual confirmation that.. it's NOT me! It's not all in MY head that he's difficult. It's not that I am a bad parent and that the EX is completely awful or anything else. It's not that he WANTS to be bad, it's just that... his brain needs some help and he needs our understanding.
The EX has been trying to get better with how he's handling him too, thank the gods for that one, because.... well... because.. The EX and my son can go at it so hard attitude wise that it can really fuck my head over something fierce and I hate it.
Today, he watched a movie with all four kids for the night. He does "Movie night" generally every other Friday night but only with the bigger girls. He watched one with all of the kids last night.. err... tonight.. whatever. They did pretty well, sure at some points he (son) got distracted, but he made it through the entire movie and I put him to bed. I'm so proud of him, he's been wanting to sleep on the futon in the playroom lately instead of in his room (it's summer, I'm allowing them to just. sleep where they want to as long as it's a comfortable place really.. more so since they've all been sick lately. Ugh, so whatever just sleep someplace as long as you sleep and don't all want to pile into my bed because I do like to sleep in my bed..
Anyway.. despite being around all those toys, he's slept fairly well! Which... is really amazing for him!
Umm,.....
Went to the Walmart we used to go to before they made a closer one.
I didn't do well there.
I had panic attack after panic attack even though I made sure to take anti-anxiety meds 20min before!!
I didn't like the layout, I didn't like the lights, I didn't like that it was the 1st and so many people were there, I didn't like the smell, I didn't like that the food section is on the other end of the store compared to the other. I didn't like it's cramped style.. it was awful. It just all set me off, eventually I just went and had to wait in the car. I was NOT doing well. But I did make it about 97% of the trip.. then I went out with three of the kids while the youngest stayed in with the ex and he paid (I gave him my money to pay for my things)... I just turned on the air in the car, the music, and laid back the seat and calmed down the best I could.
Ex bought me my favorite coffee, he had it memorized. Which is great... hehe...
I got home, put the groceries away, and needed a nap but talked to BF a little before he went to work.. then I napped. Then made dinner, then started working my... doesn't pay enough but is better than nothing at home job... then it was movie time.
Oh! We went out of town and let the kids see their uncle, aunt and cousins from Ex-h's side before they had to go back to Germany because that is where he is stationed. Ex-h's Dad, and both of his brothers are in the Military. I am surprised that the Ex-h didn't go into it after our divorce, but.. I dunno..
uhhh... yeah. Went to Krispy Kreme... spent money I didn't really have.. because... I'm dumb like that.
Got the kids each a donut as a treat, EX didn't want one, I had one too, it was marginal. Sadly their machine was broken so we didn't get to watch the donuts being made and get the free original glazed they give out when the machine works! Those things are good fresh, honestly.. that was ALL I would have wanted, but I would have given the kids a donut even after that still. They did get little sample ice creams.. that was nice.
That was before Walmart. I took my meds there because there were lots of people and they were getting all impatient with these looks while the kids were.. being kids and having trouble deciding and I was scared that my son was going to run off because he was trying to be all over the place and.. geez..
... Alright.. I think I've been all over the place this entry. Maybe I can write something better tomorrow... or whenever I feel like I can write. I am not so sure about this cymbalta crap..
I'm not feeling the urge to do shit.
-Shattered
So.. I got to sit around the waiting room.
I did talk to my son's therapist/counselor about what he saw..
He see's the ADHD, he see's the ODD. But says the ODD is mild and that they should be able to work on it. He agree's about looking into medication for the ADHD, as well as working on having a set schedule and other things..
I've been more gentle with him (son) since finding out. How can I not be? I have an actual confirmation that.. it's NOT me! It's not all in MY head that he's difficult. It's not that I am a bad parent and that the EX is completely awful or anything else. It's not that he WANTS to be bad, it's just that... his brain needs some help and he needs our understanding.
The EX has been trying to get better with how he's handling him too, thank the gods for that one, because.... well... because.. The EX and my son can go at it so hard attitude wise that it can really fuck my head over something fierce and I hate it.
Today, he watched a movie with all four kids for the night. He does "Movie night" generally every other Friday night but only with the bigger girls. He watched one with all of the kids last night.. err... tonight.. whatever. They did pretty well, sure at some points he (son) got distracted, but he made it through the entire movie and I put him to bed. I'm so proud of him, he's been wanting to sleep on the futon in the playroom lately instead of in his room (it's summer, I'm allowing them to just. sleep where they want to as long as it's a comfortable place really.. more so since they've all been sick lately. Ugh, so whatever just sleep someplace as long as you sleep and don't all want to pile into my bed because I do like to sleep in my bed..
Anyway.. despite being around all those toys, he's slept fairly well! Which... is really amazing for him!
Umm,.....
Went to the Walmart we used to go to before they made a closer one.
I didn't do well there.
I had panic attack after panic attack even though I made sure to take anti-anxiety meds 20min before!!
I didn't like the layout, I didn't like the lights, I didn't like that it was the 1st and so many people were there, I didn't like the smell, I didn't like that the food section is on the other end of the store compared to the other. I didn't like it's cramped style.. it was awful. It just all set me off, eventually I just went and had to wait in the car. I was NOT doing well. But I did make it about 97% of the trip.. then I went out with three of the kids while the youngest stayed in with the ex and he paid (I gave him my money to pay for my things)... I just turned on the air in the car, the music, and laid back the seat and calmed down the best I could.
Ex bought me my favorite coffee, he had it memorized. Which is great... hehe...
I got home, put the groceries away, and needed a nap but talked to BF a little before he went to work.. then I napped. Then made dinner, then started working my... doesn't pay enough but is better than nothing at home job... then it was movie time.
Oh! We went out of town and let the kids see their uncle, aunt and cousins from Ex-h's side before they had to go back to Germany because that is where he is stationed. Ex-h's Dad, and both of his brothers are in the Military. I am surprised that the Ex-h didn't go into it after our divorce, but.. I dunno..
uhhh... yeah. Went to Krispy Kreme... spent money I didn't really have.. because... I'm dumb like that.
Got the kids each a donut as a treat, EX didn't want one, I had one too, it was marginal. Sadly their machine was broken so we didn't get to watch the donuts being made and get the free original glazed they give out when the machine works! Those things are good fresh, honestly.. that was ALL I would have wanted, but I would have given the kids a donut even after that still. They did get little sample ice creams.. that was nice.
That was before Walmart. I took my meds there because there were lots of people and they were getting all impatient with these looks while the kids were.. being kids and having trouble deciding and I was scared that my son was going to run off because he was trying to be all over the place and.. geez..
... Alright.. I think I've been all over the place this entry. Maybe I can write something better tomorrow... or whenever I feel like I can write. I am not so sure about this cymbalta crap..
I'm not feeling the urge to do shit.
-Shattered
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