I struggle still

I'm tired of meds... I'm tired of not feeling 100% ... or maybe this is the way I am supposed to feel?
Ugh, I never know any more.

I don't write here much because my other blog... gets.. I don't even know. It's a different style of blog than this.
One where I don't vent nearly as much... I don't... I can't even get into  it.

I hope everyone is doing well. I'm doing alright. I quit school because I couldn't take it.
My request for SSA was denied.. but I consider trying again. Things are just  difficult to get a handle on... I want to do nothing but sleep really.

Once of my baby mice was found by me severely dehydrated two days ago, and the vet wasn't sure she'd make it. She's thriving now but I've been caring for her pretty much around the clock.. I'm exhausted.

Still alive

I'm still alive, and kicking. Actually I've moved over to a new blog entirely and have gone completely off all medication. Went through the most horrific withdrawals from Cymbalta even! Which was pure hell..
No longer in therapy. She kept changing my diagnosis.

I have no real idea what is wrong with me really.
So I'm going with diet changes and dietary supplements to attempt to help myself.

I hope you are all doing well. :)

Been a quiet mess.

I am sorry I have been so quiet. I've been extremely quiet and extremely a mess.
Things have been... I don't even know how to say.
But I decided to change schools and I am a little upset that there is not a real good transfer of my credits.
Right now, three of the kids are gone and will be gone for a fair bit of time now. :(
I will not see them again until the 26th.
So I am a mess with that..
I keep forgetting to take my meds. I want to call for an appointment tomorrow, see if perhaps really this is ADHD or no?? I don't know...

My bucket list..

This is my entry in the Just Ask Bucket List Getaway Giveaway. Just Ask offers a breast and ovarian cancer screening and is encouraging people to share 15 things that I want to enjoy in my lifetime as a reminder to be aware of my health. Want to enter? Head over to TodaysMama.com to get the details. 


So here we go, before I kick the bucket I would like to...

1. Take a vacation to Japan
2. Take a vacation to Australia
3. Graduate college!
4. See all my kids graduate college.
5. Get Married.
6. Move out of the Northern USA!
7. Be a healthy weight and stay there
8. Recover from BPD
9. Find 5 things to smile about every day!
10. Get the shard of glass out of my knee.
11. Own a Para Para Paradise arcade machine!!!
12. Own a Dance Dance Revolution Machine!
13. Take a vacation sans kids
14. Take a vacation WITH the kids
15. See Ayumi Hamasaki in concert!
16. Get the chance to record a CD at a recording studio.. even if it's just for fun!

There.. that's a start for now...

Fffffffffuckin'

I haven't had therapy for two weeks now, because Dr. L hasn't been there.
Just my luck huh?
I am going to probably tell her not to bother, and to take on my oldest just because I think at this point she needs it more. Or something. Or because I'm angry, and she can kiss my ass.

I'm also trying to get myself off of Cymbalta, on my own, all over again. Thinking maybe.. just maybe... what if maybe?? Lots of my crap is a magnesium deficiency? So.... I had to wonder that about the kids too! My son's ADHD, the moodiness of the girls and things??

So... I bought some magnesium, and we all had a SMALL dose today, a full dose is 2tsp, we all had 1/4tsp... yeah, though I did feel more calm and a bit more balanced during that part of the day, I am exhausted now. But it HAS been a long day!!!

Tomorrow, I will do 1/2tsp for me, and see how that goes. I think I will keep the kids on the 1/4 for a bit, and see how that does them?? I have no idea, I've read to use up to 200mg or whatever for a kid with ADHD, which.. would be 1.5tsp?? So.. maybe I'll... naw I am gonna go with 1/4 for a week for him, then 1/2?? for a week.. then 3/4.... for a week.. then the 1tsp... and see how he manages. :)

We'll see how we all do.

Assuming I don't die from Cymbalta withdrawal..

Fuck it...

I'm so done with lots of things lately and it's not even funny anymore.

I pulled away from just about everyone but BF and the EX....

Well the kids too..

I deleted all my friends outta my phone.
That was short lived.
Of course it was.